A Life in Bullet Points

The unexpected that makes us who we are

I’ve been on a journey this year, and it hasn’t always been fun. For one thing, I’ve discovered that I have a pretty minimal sense of self-worth. Which means I’ve been asking myself questions you probably never had to think about, like, do I really like bananas or just eat them so they don’t go bad? I actually don’t know if I like bananas or not. I actually didn’t know if I was in physical pain, or if I was emotionally fragile, or if I was happy. Learning to chameleon your way through life catches up with you and you end up 40, asking yourself if you ever really liked bananas???

So, a practice I’ve begun is to simply write down things that I know are true of myself. As a reminder? Maybe. A discovery? Perhaps. Since I am getting to know myself, I thought I might include you in the conversation- it seems only fair, since you’re the one reading, after all.

I have to practice leaving all morality out of these statements- the things about myself I had once believed to be, “good” or “bad” but instead, simply who I am. Perhaps this will free you to do the same.

• I leave my clothes and wet towels on the bathroom floor. It’s true. I don’t even think twice about it.

• I will walk right by a sink full of dishes.

• I will trip over the same pair of shoes on the steps and still not pick them up.

• I work from home so I can be the one to pack the backpacks, make the lunches and kiss the heads on the way to the bus in the morning, and be the one waving on the porch when they come home.

• I am often up until the wee hours of the morning working or worrying about the work I’m not doing, only to “wake up” at 6:15 to take the dog for a run.

• I garbage-picked a conference room-sized whiteboard because I like to web my goals and dreams in Expo markers.

• I make the drive through the Lincoln Tunnel several times a month because sometimes my eldest and I can’t settle unless we can wolf down a “good” bagel and a coffee on the lower west side.

• One of my goals, before I turned 40, was to make 6 figures. But money still feels pretty taboo to claim to want aloud as a woman so when I did, I didn’t tell anyone.

• I will make dinner only for myself if it’s something I want and no one else will eat it. Which means, it’s usually Laksa.

• It means something to me to drive the fastest car.

• I hate when people order Italian food at pubs. Is this a Jersey thing? I am a Jersey girl through and through, but this is something I do not understand. Mozzarella sticks don’t count.

• I cry at every opening curtain and question every single life choice I made not to have ended up on the stage.

• I love libraries more than a typical human should. I sometimes daydream about being a librarian until I remember that I curse too much.

• I’d rather be in charge than be left to someone else’s choices.  I’d rather take the fall for making the wrong decision than be at the mercy of someone else’s.

• I have left evangelicalism- and found god in everything. The nuance of that has been much more beautiful than the hellfire I was promised.

• I read poetry and cookbooks to unwind- middle readers if I’m feeling unmoored. A good fairytale saves me every time.

• I have a list of tattoos I’d like and probably will never get.

• I won’t judge you. Not ever. And I’ll do my best to truly love you. No matter what. I won’t get it right half the time, but I will try nonetheless.

• I love wide-leg pants.

• Unpacking childhood trauma is a pain in the ass. Unpacking adulthood trauma is worse. I have been doing both for several months now and 10/10 do not recommend, except, the alternative suffering is way worse than therapy. I hate when people say to choose your hard because so many of us didn’t get to choose the hand we were dealt- but in some cases, it applies. I have chosen this and a lot of times I wish I hadn’t- until I think of my daughters and the kind of life they deserve. The kind of life I deserve to live with them.

• I am not a TV watcher. There, I said it.

• I wish I was brave enough to swim in the winter. I want a sauna in our backyard.

• I don’t love audiobooks unless they're memoirs.

I hope you know yourself. I hope you didn’t spend over half of your life changing from cardigan to pencil skirt to leather jacket and back again in order to fit who everyone needed you to be- but, by chance, if you did- don’t worry. There is still time. There is still time to figure out the things you were never brave to ask and to finally find the answers.

For example, I do not like bananas.

I never have.

Not even in banana bread.

I feel much better now.