Anxiety, Home Repairs and the Circus
I think your house waits to hear the little, "clink" of the tax return deposit in your bank account before it starts breaking apart. Just when you've finalized plans on paying off a credit card, in the middle of doing the happy dance for being one step closer to financial freedom, the entire house as an entity is laying in wait, like a cat. "Clink". Plans. Happy Dance. Broken Fridge. Two broken fridges. And, there it all goes. So close.
Home repair is just like therapy- you try to fix one thing only to discover there are a plethora of things just below the surface that were just waiting for someone to brush the dust and the black mold off of, demanding your full attention with oozing substances and leaks and cracks. The symptoms are never the true problem.
And once you've begun, once the process has started of the lists of the broken steps and the peeling paint and the cabinets that now have to be removed to fit the fridge that you bought that was just a little, ahem, too big, because someone had a 4 year old hold the measuring tape at the bottom, it is a rabbit hole from which someone like me, cannot recover.
All I have seen for the last 24 hours is everything that is wrong, everything that needs fixing, every penny left in our account dwindling, getting swallowed by this giant money-trap of a house. And I forget how much I love it and long to care for it well and comfort it.
I have been awake for approximately 12 hours making mental lists and searching through youtube videos for home repairs. How to remodel a kitchen for 300.00. Build your own dining room table.
I cannot build a lego set.
I cannot follow ikea directions.
I have held a hammer exactly twice in my life, and I believe they were both on stage. As in, it was a prop.
But, I am choosing to push my house anxiety to the side today because today, we are celebrating my kid's birthday. She's turning 4 and she doesn't know it, but her entire family is coming with her to the circus tonight and she'll get to eat popcorn and cotton candy with all of her grandparents and cousins and best friends. So what if 30 people will have to dance around the fridge in the middle of the kitchen floor? We're going to the circus.
If anyone feels so moved to perform a home makeover while we're gone, go with your gut.