Believe the Bird
How I'm still eating my words in 2024
Well, it’s here again. The time of year when my body waves a white flag and decides to hell with my override button, it’s going to stage a coup. In the last two weeks everything has gone haywire. (Please rest assured that I have doctor’s appointments lined up for next week; I’m not completely negligent).
I’ve had the most intense acid reflux/heartburn, not coorelated to anything I’m eating. My ears are ringing. There’s a lump in my throat. The toes on my left foot are swollen ?!?! My hand is still in recovery. I’m awake every night at 3 a.m. I feel like I’m walking through cement. My heart is racing. Everything is too loud, everyone is too needy and demanding and I do not know if I need a nap or snack or an exorcism.
I was at lunch with a much wiser friend yesterday who listened to my litany of ailments and my anxiety-ridden, self-diagnosed declarations of stomach cancer, thyroid cancer, or diabetes. She quietly nodded in empathy, allowing my irrational brain to draw its circles in the sand at high tide until it rested on this one, forgone conclusion my therapist already attempted to instill in my whirling brain this week:
I am hellbent on being good, and being good has always meant suffering. I’ve upheld the belief that the hard, solitary way is the only admirable, sacred way.
And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks inconveniently in a Panera Bread over their sub-par vegetable soup:
If I continue to put my faith in this narrative, it will be what kills me. I have been dying a little bit every day to be considered worthy of my own life.
I’m a big fan of Tara Brach and her RAIN technique, so when I saw that she was promoting a video series called, “A Mindful and Quiet Approach to Calming Your Mind” I knew it was probably something I should give at least a few minutes to. In this 2-minute video, Devin Berry reads a quote by James Audubon that made it immediately pause it, and put it on a post-it.
“When the bird and the book disagree, always believe the bird.” James Audubon.
I have spent a lifetime communicating abject disbelief and denial to my own body. No, you’re not sick. No, you’re not tired. No, you don’t need to sit down. No, you’re not hungry. No. No. No.
My book needs a rewrite. It has the wrong information.
But my body doesn’t lie.
Always believe the bird.
If you, too, have had similar messaging such as :
Bodies are evil and not to be trusted
Hearts are deceitful
The hard way is the only honorable way
Suffering leads to sanctification
Choosing suffering honors God
Insert your own here…
How are you re-framing your own narrative?
How will you, moving forward, believe the bird?
I’d love to know.
What’s Nourishing Me…
Jon Batistes’s World Music Radio is still killing me. It’s been on repeat daily for WEEKS. Weeks. It’s an immediate mood booster. Also, if you haven’t seen American Symphony on Netflix, why ever not????? If you don’t have Netflix, come here and watch it. We’ll eat popcorn and cry at how unfair it is to have so much talent in one body. It’s worth it.
Having left the “c”hurch years ago, I left pretty much left music with it. It’s the first sacrifice I need to reverse. I’ve been following the Gaia Music Collective for a year now and am debating whether or not it might be a fun re-entry into the music world. I’ve also attempted to dip my toes back in via adult choirs or community theater but that commitment feels too large right now. Maybe Audible voiceovers would be a good outlet? Baby steps!
After putting the shopping of my memoir on hiatus, I’ve been a little unmoored. I began reading John Truby’s “The Anatomy of a Story” and returning to the world of writing of fiction has been so therapeutic.
I’ve stopped content creation on socials (save the links to what you’ll read here) for a while. I’m only reading the books on my shelves. I’m making meals with the scraps at the bottom of the vegetable drawer. There was too much excessive in my life and I felt like I was choking. Part of believing the bird is being able to be in a place where I can actually hear what it’s saying.
This roasted broccoli salad with sweet dates and nutty parmesan is perfect and you can’t tell me anything different. Omit the cheese and add some quinoa for a vegan lunch.
Well, friends. Seems I’m still eating my words after all. Healing isn’t linear- and it’s always worth it.
Cheers to starting the new year believing the bird.