Crying Newborn Survival Guide

If child is crying, use the following steps.

Step One:  Check the diaper.  There is no need to check my child's diaper, considering she rarely has anything other than the exploding kind that you can both see and smell from the door to the nursery.

Step Two: Feed her.  This is often easier said than done.  There will be occasions where she will not want to eat.  There will be occasions where she will pretend she doesn't want to eat, but she really does.  There will be times when she wants to eat, but is too tired/gassy/distracted to eat at the moment.  There will be instances where you will feed her for 5 minute intervals because she likes long breaks in between.  There will be times where she will eat as though you have been starving her, and times she will not be hungry at all.  In order to maintain sanity in this feeding frenzy, I recommend a steady diet of chamomile tea and a laptop at the ready with the next episode of Bones on Netflix Watch Instantly.

Step Three: Rock her.  Walk her around the first floor of your house until your right arm is just about the fall off, because she waits to fall asleep until you officially cannot feel your appendages.   Make funny faces- she's just starting to do them back.  Try the pacifier- she hates it, but at least it makes it more amusing for you to watch her spit it out across the room.

Step Four: Call for back-up.  Husbands are not back-up.  They work all day and then, they come home and make dinner, do the laundry and sit up with your crying child as you put in your earplugs and settle down in your room to read the same Real Simple magazine you've already started five times in the last two days.  Back-ups are Moms close by, sisters who have Mondays off to make baby noises at said crying child and sweep your dirty floor, good friends who know what it's like to have a screaming infant and no time to shower, change out of pajamas and join the rest of the outside world.  Back-up is essential.  Pay for it if you have to.

Step Five:  Marvel at the beautiful shade of red your child turns when she's wailing her fool head off, and pat yourself on the back for making a kid who's cute even when she's miserable.