Dear Santa, get on that will you?
Thinking about the holidays makes me happy and nauseous, all at the same time. Kind of like rides at Six Flags. It's inevitable that as soon as Halloween is over (Thank God), my mailbox overflows with catalogues full of beautiful, festive baubles I can't afford, replete with table settings so elaborate, I wouldn't be able to accomplish achieving it without a seasoned event planner. So, in order to get through the holiday season, I thought I'd wrangle Santa's ear a bit early, with the hope that my requests will take precedence over the many little children asking for lesser things, like dancing robots and tattooed Barbies. So, here goes.
Dear Santa,
For an early Christmas present this year I politely and expectantly request:
1. A personal assistant. As now, a working Mom, I must be available to answer e-mails, draft lesson plans, procure permission slips, plan trips and organize calendars. I will not have time to do certain things for myself, such as, buy deodorant. Go to the dry cleaners. Answer my phone. Eat my oatmeal for me, so I can have the much coveted chocolate croissant. You see the necessity, I'm sure.
2. A housekeeper. Not to be confused with aforementioned personal assistant, the housekeeper is relegated, to, well, the house. With all that is going on with my life and in preparation for the holidays, it would be helpful to have someone to do my mashed banana coated laundry. To pick up the beer bottles scattered on the countertop. Run the foul-smelling dishwasher. Collect all the socks hiding under our couch in the living room. To sweep my floors. To, essentially, find my house. I miss it. I would like it back. You get the gist.
3. A self-running, automated coffee maker. In my bedroom. On my nightstand. Ready to go. At 4:10 a.m. when my kid gets up. Preferably, with a cream spout. And a little cinnamon sprinkle. It's the holidays, after all.
4. An on-call, reliable baby-sitter for when I need to run to CVS. Or Whole Foods. Or to have a cup of coffee somewhere little fingers won't try to get in my cup to protect my sanity and all that's holy.
5. An over-flowing bank account so that I may be able to fund the holiday season lavishly without any cards being declined.
I'm sure you will peruse my list carefully and find it acceptable. I look forward to my gifts' arrival. Feel free to forego the wrapping. No sense in making more work for the housekeeper.
Sincerely,
Jenny