I haven't responded to any of your emails.
I haven't returned any of your texts or phone calls.
Truth be told, I'm not even sure how many voicemails have gone undetected because I have not checked.
I haven't even opened the mail, and am currently typing around falling envelopes of warning notices from late pse&g bills.
For the last few weeks.
Maybe longer.
And part of me is sorry, and part of me is screaming that there was no other way.
You see, it had gotten to the point where everything in my life became an emergency.
The email checked the second thing I did after I opened my eyes, before getting out of bed.
The anxiety when the phone buzzed with someone else needing something else.
The constant, looming feeling that something, somewhere was left undone as I tried to fold laundry
Make dinner
Read to my daughter.
I was letting someone else down.
Emergency.
And then I remembered.
His strength, my weakness.
I am free from condemnation and KNOW with certainty that all things work together for GOOD.
Nothing can separate me from the love of God.
And I called farce the emergency that ran my life.
I'm so sorry if you were neglected in my war against the evil one.
You are important.
I just needed to remember.
There WAS an emergency, but someone took my place to rescue me.
And now there is no emergency.
There is nothing He can't do.
There is nothing over my head other than the big name tag of who I am as His daughter.
Calling on Him is anything but powerless.
Making myself and and my family a priority is anything but negligent.
Stopping to pick dandelions and baking misshapen cookies and soothing cries is life.
I hope you remember that there is no emergency today- but beautiful, waiting life that was created for us to enjoy, to breathe, to ponder, to rejoice and rest in and know that everything was already taken care of. You are not the one who holds the world- or even the people you know-together. We. Are. Free.
No emergency here.
Now that I've gotten myself back together, I promise I'll call back soon.
But not today.
Today, I am doing yoga on the floor while my daughter climbs over me and after that she will negate all of our hard work with pancakes and I will not have to go to work at all day so she will not have to cry when I go and we will drink in the sunshine and the joy in knowing that it was all created just for us.