I'd Like to Pee By Myself, Please.
"Wash my hands, Mama?"
I was trying to go to the bathroom. By myself. I wanted a few minutes to breathe, to pee and to collect myself before the start of the day. No sooner had I walked up the stairs did I hear the soft, padded feet coming up swiftly after me.
"We go on a "benture" today, Mama?"
"You make me pancakes?"
"See Emmy today, Mama?"
"Wash my hands, Mama?"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just wanted to pee. That's all. I scolded her. Told her to to go downstairs. Basically, buzz off . I don't want to be near you for just a few minutes. JUST A FEW MINUTES.
And when she did, I thought about it.
I needed a few minutes with my Creator to remember that I was loved, adored, cared for without question. I needed His gentle prodding in my heart to remind me that His voice is the only one that matters. That there is no salvation in the law, but in Jesus's face, his grace, his loving hands. I needed these things from Him in the morning before I could go on. Take another step. Breathe, even.
What if he scolded me for bothering Him? What if, in the middle of my prayer session, He said, "That's nice, honey. Can you leave me alone, though? I'm kind of in the middle of something."
As much as I don't believe it sometimes, God chose me to be the example of His love to my baby. There is no one else that has a closer relationship or a deeper impact on her growth; physically, emotionally and spiritually, than I do. It was designed that way on purpose. Mothers model the love that Christ has for his children. What I needed from Jesus this morning, what I was seeking Him for, was exactly what my little girl needed. From Me. The crazy woman yelling from the toilet.
And I blew it this morning.
Mamas do need breaks sometimes, that's why, Biblically speaking, we were never meant to walk the Motherhood road alone. It's never wrong to feel as though you just need a few minutes, or, to want to freaking pee BY YOURSELF. That's not wrong. It's how we communicate it that's essential. We are the embodiment of Christ to our kids. They see Him through us and as they go, we get to point them to the Jesus we know.