Jed Bartlet, 2023 and the Power Down

I’ve been sick since before Christmas. It’s been annoying at best and discouraging at worst. I haven’t been sick since we moved out to the country, in fact. Not having official sick days has been hard for me. Not having cut-off times at the end of a “business day” has been hard for me. Navigating boundaries whilst making my own timeline has been hard for me. Choose your hard, they say. I’d still choose this over having to hold my pee for 4 hours, but I’ve realized the last few weeks have been so full of tissues and temperature checks that I need a different default other than, “power through,” because I think it might have almost killed me.

So, I’ve decided to power down instead.

My power through has always been pretty admirable, if I do say so myself. I could work straight through for 16-plus hours without so much as a water break. I could keep walking with a bum back or knee for miles without complaint. I could stay in a room, with a smile, full of people who hate me and are all talking behind my back as soon as I go to the bathroom. I could always power through.

Until I just couldn’t.

I’m not sure if it’s turning 40.

I’m not sure if it’s wisdom and experience.

I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t really give that much of a shit anymore.

But I’ve been powering down, instead of powering through and it’s been WORKING.

This is what I mean:

1. When I noticed my fever wasn’t going anywhere on day three, I stopped answering Slack messages.

2. I fed my kids rotisserie chicken and steamed broccoli 2-3 times a week and released them to make their own snacks ( which I’m pretty sure was just a rotating tray of whatever they could dunk in Nutella).

3. I didn’t take calls I didn’t have the energy for and delegated other tasks.

4. I went upstairs or stayed downstairs depending on what I needed, no matter what other members of my family were doing.

5. I stopped all outside noise- texts, social media, news outlets, etc.- and became very selective about my consumption.

6. I rewatched an excessive amount of West Wing and was briefly convinced that my calling might have been to be the Communications Director for the White House.

7. I read a lot of middle reader fiction ( here’s looking at you The Luminaries and The Beatryce Prophecy)

8. I drank a lot of water and broth and chamomile tea and elderberry syrup.

9. I stopped doing things for the sake of being productive.

10. I redefined productivity according to my capacity.

I visualized a hygge Scandanavian living room full of books, candles, and strong coffee and just, made it happen.

I think I live here now.

Granted, there are times when a power-through is necessary. I also recognize and understand what an incredible privilege it is to be able to power down, and still feed my children and put gas in my car. I didn’t always have that luxury and I will never forget it. There are times when you have to put your head down and power through. I’m just recognizing that that is not the case ALL the time- and that when you attempt to do that all the time, you won’t be powering through anything for very long- but recovering for much longer than you can afford.

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What Nourished Me This Week:

1. I watched Harry and Meghan. I know. I did. And I’ve been following Shannan Martin’s Instagram stories about it because they have been challenging and important. I still have all the feelings in all the ways about it. But I’m still pressing in about why.

   shannanwrites

   

   A post shared by Shannan Martin // Neighbor + Author (@shannanwrites)

2. In season 2 of West Wing, Jed Bartlett curses out God in Latin, in a cathedral, after the sudden death of his secretary.

   The tirade hasn’t left me since. Firstly, I’m not sure I’d have the ovaries to curse God out in a cathedral. Definitely not in Latin. If you’re curious, this is the loose translation of what he says:

   “Thank you, Lord. Am I to believe these things from a righteous God, a just God, a wise God? To hell with your punishments! I was your servant, your messenger on the earth; I did my duty.”

It breaks me every time.

3. I bought a 5-dollar sketchbook and replaced my fancy Planner with it and it’s been the best decision. I doodle. I write checklists. I rage in a stream-of-consciousness-type manner. I date everything. It’s the greatest.

4. I got to see a bunch of ladies I love and our kids played with each other while we ate soup and had snacks and talked about the dark underbelly and silly ridiculousness of parenting and I only want more of that in my life in 2023.

5. I return to Alison Roman’s Pot of Brothy Beans again and again when my system has been overloaded.

   a pot of brothy beans

This week always feels odd to me- out of sorts, as it were. I’m investigating a new way of approaching my days come 2023 which I of course will share with you. But until then, I hope you’re still eating Christmas cookies for breakfast.