Last Trimester Life Savers
There is a secret code among the pregnant or recently pregnant. It's the, "smile in front of everyone else right now and I'll tell you what you really need when the oooohhhers and ahhhhers leave" look. There are personal things about pregnancy that both should and shouldn't be shared with people, whether you know them or not and I have been privy to both ends. So, here is my humble offering of the things that have made these last few weeks a little easier to swallow. I hope they help, or at lease inspire some sympathy/laughter on my behalf. But tread lightly- this could very well happen to you.
1. You will scoff at those women complaining of swollen feet and ankles while you're still blissfully floating through your second trimester. You will traipse around in your cute, little ballet flats and never dream that on the morning of your 30th week you will find that someone, during the night, has replaced your feet with those of Star Jones- before the surgery, the diet, and the divorce. When that occurs, this is the only thing that will help you. Trust me. The peppermint extract really seems to help the swelling go down, and the cooling, tingling feeling is enough to believe in it's magical properties even if it has none. Everyone needs a little fairy dust now and then.
2. As if your belly being stretched and pulled to inhuman proportions just wasn't enough, nature would have it that to adorn the protruding tummy angry, red lines must certainly circle the circumference. Oh, and your hips. And probably your butt too, if you're really one of the lucky ones. Like big, red arrows just waiting to point out all the cellulite you've accrued over the last 8 months. Or war paint. Aside from the appearance, it's actually quite painful and itchy when skin is stretched in this manner. I cannot attest to the verbose claims bio oil makes about the elimination of stretch marks- nor do I want to tease myself by entertaining the possibility. But, I will say, that on a sore, itchy tummy, this is the only thing that seems to soothe. For that alone, it's worth the 30 bucks a pop.
3. When we were in Brazil and I came down with yellow fever according to me ( or a simple stomach virus perpetuated by sun poisoning and a roadside hamburger, if you ask the husband) the only thing I could keep down was water from the young coconuts sold by the Copacabana beach. I didn't know at the time that coconut water has more electrolytes than Gatorade, that it's better than water if you're dehydrated, has healing properties for weak immune systems and can fix certain other ailments, ummm, such as, constipation and heartburn for starters. It's pretty amazing that all common complaints of the third trimester can be addressed in a cute little juice box.
4. I've stopped reading Glamour and Vogue for a while. I'm not fitting into the new spring line anytime soon, so I just let it go. I picked some new role models instead, as you should if you're in the same position-preferably Moms who don't have personal trainers and full time nannies. I think Nigella Lawson is officially the sexiest woman on television. She cooks enormous amounts of food, she's got a fabulous accent, she's certainly not a size 6 and she flaunts her midnight snacks- in front of millions of viewers! Did I mention that she has four kids? In their teens? And she's hot. Enough said. I bet she doesn't read Vogue, either.
5. Terribly sorry, ladies, but this is the only thing that you have no hope for. He's the single, solitary reason why I've survived this last, painful trimester. You're not going to find another man who'll tell you how beautiful you are when you look like the stay-puff marshmallow man, who'll rub your feet without you having to ask, who won't ask why you're crying because he knows there's no real reason, it's just something pregnant woman do all the time. All pregnant woman should have a Rich in their lives. But you can't have mine- go find your own.