Necesito Mas: The Forbidden Desires of Modern Mothers
It is 6:47 and I (begrudgingly) walk a chocolate-chocolate chip muffin up the stairs into the long hallway to bring my youngest breakfast. Is it indulgent? Yes. Will she be an absolute, weepy mess if she doesn’t eat the moment she opens her eyes? Also, yes. I pick my battles these days.
I check my Teams messages on my phone and my work calendar for the day between scalding sips of coffee. Meetings at 11, 12, 1, 2, 4:30. I forgot the landscaper was coming- I’ll have to take the 1 pm at the library where it’s quiet. Nope, can’t. The littlest gets off the bus at 2:30. I prep a sheet pan dinner of sausages and veggies to roast early this morning, in case there isn’t time later to make anything for dinner. (There won’t be. Everyone will come home with a stomach virus later making eating deplorable for a few days.)
This reminds me that I hadn’t finished summer camp applications for either of the kids. I make a sticky note to put on the top of my laptop while I make lunches. Peanut butter sandwiches? Are they allowed to bring those again? She didn’t eat the yogurt yesterday. Mac and cheese? Is there time?
The mac and cheese reminds me one of them has a broken brace bracket. Orthodontic appointments need to be made. A notification dings. I forgot to pay my student loan this month. Add it to the list. Can we afford it? Not really.
They’re both wearing pajama pants to school. I decide this does not matter today. I outline the agenda of my first meeting in my notes app and review upcoming deadlines while microwaving a croissant for the big kid.
They are out of the house by 7:30 today, and I weigh if I have time to shower, or if I should knock out a few items on my list before my inbox starts filling again at 9 am.
I shower- quick. 5 minutes. I missed 4 messages. I forgot to rinse the conditioner out and only shaved one leg.
It is 8:17 am.
I am privileged to the highest degree to get to work from home. There were plenty of years we paid upwards of 30,000.00 a year in childcare when we were both working outside of the house; and still juggling the sick days, missing the daytime concerts, dropping the ball on pick-ups.
I also worked really hard to get to where I am now. Took classes. Up-skilled. Networked. Accepted small, poorly paying freelance to build experience, credentials, and authority. Worked contracts for unkind, unrelenting, unfair, entitled employers. Plowed through daily impostor syndrome.
I was willing to start all the way over in my late 30’s for the dream of better balance; to be able to parent the way I wanted without sacrificing a career ( a commitment that really isn’t an option in this American economy when it comes to protecting yourself and your children). To uphold my own wellness, to build wealth and security, to finally reach contentment while being present for my children.
What I found was a deep, gaping hole of desire instead.
“The biggest trick women ever played on themselves was making us believe that having it all was limited to having a family and a career. I’ve got both of those things. News flash. It’s not enough. Necesito mas. I don’t just want equal pay, I want equal pleasure. But it would be very threatening if all women felt they deserved that.”- Ali Wong
Working from home feels like your head is divided into quadrants and they’re all pulling in different directions, at all times. You schedule meetings between drop-offs and bus lines. You get up early to tackle your task list so you can have breakfast together. You throw a load of laundry in on your lunch break. You make changes to the family calendar and to your team calendar and your PTO calendar.
It is better than when my schedule demanded I be in person, for eight hours, an hour away. And still.
Necesito mas.
I need more.
Women have generations of conditioning to overcome when they attempt to excel in the workplace and in the home. We were led to believe that the pathway paved for us to achieve professional success was the answer- and we should, thusly, be satisfied we got everything we wanted.
We’re not.
Why?
Because structures and systems are still wholly dependent on the “extra mile” of free labor that only women provide. ( Can I add that to your calendar for you? Sure, I’ll set up the meeting. Did you call the pediatrician to change our insurance? Reply to the class birthday invite? When is her next therapy appointment? What time do we have to leave to get her there by 8 am? Is it on the calendar? Did they shower? Eat any protein? Sleep? When does the bus come? Sure, I’ll send out the SOP. Can you give me an update? I’ll send it to the team. I have to reschedule- sure I’ll send the email. Where are we in this project? Who is the lead on this? Oh, me? Me. )
We didn’t trade our household positions for professional ones- we didn’t want to. We are a generation of women who want to show up for our children, our marriages and our family life in ways that are vastly different than how we were raised AND kill it in the workplace.
What happened was, it’s killing us instead. And not slowly, either.
I sat in a doctor’s office for the first time in over a year this past week, awaiting test results for symptoms I knew were more than likely self-perpetuated. Swelling. Fatigue. Tension headaches. Ringing in my ears.
“Have you been under an unusual amount of stress?” the PA asks; not a single note of irony.
I am a working Mother in America.
Some Statistics on Working Mothers:
Nearly half (46%) of mothers are currently seeking therapy.
58% of moms report they are primarily responsible for the duties of running a household and caring for children.
Eight-in-ten (80%) mothers are concerned about a possible recession and 71% report they are planning to cut back spending.
66% of working mothers report negative mental health impacts as a result of the pandemic. (78% reporting that their mental health has been negatively affected since)
78% of moms admit to sacrificing sleep to take care of their families.
80% of moms have had to turn down social invitations due to parenting responsibilities.
70% of moms say they’ve had to make sacrifices in their careers to accommodate their family’s needs, with 50% citing childcare as the reason.
72% of moms feel that the cost of childcare is a significant financial burden.
61 %of mothers report that their employer does not offer any form of scheduling flexibility. ( On the contrary, the trend to return to the office after remote work is on the incline.)
(FORBES)
On a surface level, it looks like we’ve come so far. We have degrees and careers! We can vote! (For now.) We have credit cards and deeds to homes in our names. Passports. And “they” were happy to “give it” to us.
Why?
Because we’d still be carrying the social, spiritual, communal, emotional, administrative, and domestic responsibilities. We would still be the ones losing sleep, eating a granola bar in the car and dying of cardiovascular disease at alarming rates- sitting in offices with inquisitive PA’s asking when the last time we slept or sat down to a meal was.
I want more.
Don’t you?
Oh Jenny... I feel this in my bones...