On Getting in my Own Way
I have a deep-seated fear of being perceived as unintelligent. Ignorant. Self-aggrandizing. Posturing.
It shapes how I interact professionally and personally. It always has.
May I for a moment tell you how difficult it is to really only be gifted in areas and with skills that place you front and center and constantly be worried about whether or not people think that YOU believe you’re more important than you actually are? And thus, you proceed your entire life to attempt to make yourself small….but small isn’t really your size so nothing fits?
It’s maddening.
I am tired of it.
Does anyone else just get in your own way?
So I’m on assignment for all of August. Perhaps all of my life, if it goes well- but let’s start with August. I’m on a mission to uncover the things that light me up, give me Joy juice, make me happy, insert sappy cliche here, I don’t give a shit, I’m going to do it.
Beginning by telling you that my favorite pizza of all time has fried eggplant and dollops of ricotta on it, that I could eat grilled shrimp cocktail once a day for a meal, that I’d take a glass of champagne over a cocktail any day, that there isn’t a more perfect food than chocolate budino, that I only re-watch the first Harry Potter film over and over and forgo the rest, that I wish I could see a play every single weekend even if it was bad, that I harbor secret hopes that an older Turkish mom will want to mentor me in the kitchen, that Andrea Gibson’s poetry is saving my life right now, that children’s concerts are my favorite things in the universe ( please invite me to your son’s tuba recital), that collective singing is the one thing I miss most in the entire universe about church, that there are hummingbirds that come to my kitchen window and I am convinced they are trying to communicate with me, that I dream of the tiniest cabin on the biggest lake in New Hampshire and fanticize about dividing my time between New England and a 2 bedroom walkup in a Co-op in the West Village, that the only, solitary reason I don’t have a full sleeve tattoo is because I still have secret hopes of making it to Broadway (not so secret, now?) and that swimming in cold water makes me feel alive.
Tell me a dream or a joy or a hope or a lovely, lovely observation like how you hate raw tomatoes but adore marinara sauce.
And I’ll continue to give you a list of things that are nourishing me right now.
Ok, local friends- if you haven’t been to Maine on Main in Clinton, what are you actually doing with your Friday nights? Fresh potato chips and Connecticut Style Lobster Rolls are the only things you should be eating on the bank of the river, followed subsequently by the blueberry buckle.
I finished The Bear. If you didn’t like it, don’t even talk to me. I finished a few days ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it. Cousin Richie is my fav. I can’t help it.
Alison Roman’s, “Sweet Enough” cookbook is my favorite library haul thus far this summer. Her salted vanilla frosting, mushroom pot pie, salted pistachio shortbread, and chocolate-sour cream pound cake recipes are first on my list of things to make so if you haven’t invited me over for dinner yet, I wouldn’t sleep on it if I were you. Chances are I’ll be bringing one of these.
Butterfly PeaFlower Tea is BLUE. And When you pour it over lemonade, it is PURPLE. And when you get it from The Stone Bean, it’s delicious.
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5. I’ve discovered the absolute freedom of journaling in sketchbooks. No lines to tell me what to do! Room to doodle and pretend I know calligraphy!
6. The books I can’t get enough of right now are: The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Lesson’s in Chemistry (audiobook- I don’t love the narrator’s voice but the story has surprised me), Barbara Kingsolver’s Demon Copperhead (GAHHHH what a storyteller she is) .