On Overwhelm, Bread Day, Wild Ramps and The Next Right Thing
I hope you can forgive that I missed a week. The dreaded virus finally hit our house after our stealthy avoidance for nearly 2.5 years and it took more mental energy than physical to overcome. But fear not, we’re all migrating back to normal which means I’m having a deep inner dialogue about the next book I’ll read, what I should actually do with my life, and of course, what to make for dinner.
Wild ramps have a short season. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I had actually never made them before this weekend but my local, organic farm has finally opened its doors after a very long winter and its baskets were overflowing with all things green. I can’t resist a basket full of greens, so I grabbed a few handfuls and thought that I’d figure out how to cook them later. After much research, I landed on the simplest of preparations- we threw them on the grill for a quick char and dressed them with a bit of olive oil and sea salt. It reminded me, honestly, how short seasons are in all aspects of our lives and that, sometimes, we just need to appreciate them unadorned, without dressing them up.
I’ve begun baking bread again. I was on a hiatus after the covid lockdown that had us all homesteading with the best of them, but I’m finding the simple rhythm of baking soothes something that aches that I can’t quite name yet. My need to be productive and my need to slow down are both met in the baking of bread- it tethers you to the home and the kitchen for a few hours. I appreciate that. This is the recipe I use.
I’ve been thinking so much about bodies and how we live in them. I’m going to blame it on this last year in my 30’s that forced me to focus on where my life is now, and where I want it to be in the next Act. I wrote a little about it here. Deprogramming from a lifetime of religious beliefs that bodies are evil and not to be trusted has been, hands down, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve faced a lot of hard things in my thirties. But I’m journeying back to actually living IN my body rather than viewing it as an outside entity and it’s trippy. And weird. And makes me a little sad that I lived for so long as an enemy in my own body. I have so much to make up for!
I received my first rejection from a literary agent this week. While I was expecting it, I will be absolutely honest- it was my dream agency and it stung a little. It stung a lot. Though it wasn’t necessarily intentional- I feel truly blessed to have been given this academic year hiatus from teaching so that I could focus on writing. It was a gift. I had hoped that by now, I would have a clear answer on where to go from here; professionally speaking, anyway. But alas, directionless is where god seems to have me these days. Leaning into the uncertain. Trusting that’s the only way. I still don’t really like it, but I’m trying.
Things That Are Giving Me Life Right Now
My contemplative reading usually turns towards the poetic variety in the Spring. Mary Oliver, John O’Donahue and Padraig O’Tuama have been my morning companions- but this stanza specifically makes my heart swell every morning.
NETFLIX DARED TO REMOVE DAWSON’S CREEK ON 4.30.22 AND I HAVE BIG FEELINGS ABOUT IT. Listen. Dawson’s Creek premiered when I was a sophomore- and so was the cast. We quite literally grew up together and I will not apologize for my deep-seated affinity for it. Pacey forever. Joshua Jackson is a dream and I absolutely pretended I knew how to sail for an entire summer simply because I watched him in his Hawaiian print shirt.
I have always relegated overalls to children and pregnant women. I am also not what one would consider a fashion icon. But these are adorable and I will live in them this summer.
I’m seeing Joy Oladokun at the Bowery tomorrow night and I have zero chill about it. Zero. I’ve survived the last 6 years of my life large in part because of her music. And if you are one who walked with me- then you know what a bold statement that is. She, quite literally, saved my life. I will sob the entire time. I’m already prepared.
I’m spring cleaning. That might not sound like something that should give me life, but trust me on this. As someone who suffers from OCD tendencies, a cleaning overhaul is overwhelming. I often don’t know where to begin; what room to start in first, what to toss, what to keep, etc, and so, nothing gets done. Obviously, housekeeping is not a skill. But I also know that clutter and mess attribute to my anxiety so I rose early morning yesterday, repeated to myself- “Only start in this one corner. Just this one,” and proceeded to spring clean my entire first floor. We’ve lived here for a little over a year, and while we’ve made a little progress here and there I finally felt in my soul it was time to make it look like, “ours”.
Alright, friends- if you’re NorthEast Coasters- I hope you enjoy this little snapshot of Spring we’ll get today before winter comes barreling back through this week. I hope you take your time with a cup of coffee, treat your body with kindness and when you face something head-on that you used to believe, that you just don’t anymore- I hope you know that eating your words is ok. Try making it delicious. It helps things.