Pre-school, Expectations and Hello Kitty Lunch boxes

I got the email yesterday that had a list of things that Rich and I should begin to gather for Ellie to be prepared for pre-school, starting September 4.  Things like waiting to respond to her when she calls so that she learns to wait patiently at school.  Like buying a lunch box and practicing eating out of it so that when the time comes, she's not confused with how to open it.  To encourage her to be more independent by allowing her to go into the bathroom herself, and dressing her in clothing that she can take on and off easily on her own.  I did not cry at how my baby is getting older.  I am so thrilled for her to get to experience this amazing opportunity to spend three mornings a week playing play doh and singing songs and running like mad and making new friends.  I'm so excited to see how the experience will shape her and grow her, and in turn, do the same to us.  

But as I was laying out her things on her bed yesterday, testing buttons and snaps, making sure my camera had a working battery and organizing my schedule to ensure that I would be home on a normally, working Thursday, those little thoughts crept in.

You know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones that have no authority to enter in, but they do anyway.  The ones that have no place, no power, no strength unless we give it to them, and we often do without thinking.  

And I wondered if I would be the only Mother in the line of Mothers taking pictures and straightening pigtails without a baby in an ergo strapped to my front.  If I would be asked if I had other children in school or at home.  If they would all be returning to their expansive kitchens and their nannies and their shopping while I would be scrambling to get to an appointment on time.  

The thing is, I thought this piece of my life would look different.  I thought that by now, it wouldn't be such a struggle to make payments, to buy clothes, to conceive children.  I know that's not a unique statement- very few people are exactly where they pictured themselves to be. But I allowed it to linger longer than it should have.

And that's where I am today.  In the balance of recognizing what's real, and what isn't, and how though both may affect you, they don't define you. 

And I have to find the most perfect hello kitty lunchbox to ever exist.