"So, When Are You Having Another One?"
I wish I knew how many times I've been asked this question, in this exact manner. People suggest by their smiles and body language that their rude inquiry is in jest, but as we all know, truth always lies just beneath the surface. I'm fairly certain I'm not the first victim of someone else's foot in mouth disease, nor am I innocent of such a crime myself in other circumstances. But, for the good of Mamas everywhere, I'd like to shed a little light on this exact, social faux pa in order to quell any unnecessary, awkward grocery store encounters.
"So, When Are You Having Another One?" a middle aged woman at Shoprite asks coyly as she watches me pull the snickers bar out of my kid's hand for the fourth time and put it back on the display- why do they always line the checkout counters with garbage well within reach of toddlers, anyway? I had been up six times that night with a teething, cranky child who screamed so hard and so long that she puked all over her sheets at 2:46, causing me to have to change them- which meant I had to go down both flights of stairs into the basement to get the clean laundry I didn't have the energy to carry back up the stairs earlier that day and find a crib sheet that would fit- then, take out the crib mattress since it's impossible to get the crib sheet to fit while still in the crib, while trying to hold onto a still unhappy baby. Then, tried to rock her back down to no avail, gave up, woke husband up to make a bottle while I tried to give her some baby motrin to soothe her mouth, which she wouldn't take so we snuck it into her bottle when he came back up the stairs. Which would have worked if she wanted to drink it, but threw it on the ground instead and played with the buttons on my pajamas for 2o minutes before falling asleep on my shoulder, at which I put her down and she immediately woke, wailing, to repeat the putting down process 4 more times before she actually stayed put- for three hours. I didn't have the strength to shower, or even change, but I knew we were out of milk and so off to Shoprite we went at 8 a.m. where she smiled and waved at everyone like she was the Queen, with no signs of the trauma of the night before as I stumbled into the broccoli display, trying very hard not to spill the precious, third cup of coffee on the cart cover. I blindly grabbed two gallons of the organic whole milk and jumped onto the self check-out line- which turned out to be out of order, causing me to get in line in the express items-10 or less, behind a woman who clearly couldn't read since she had an entire cart full of groceries. I sighed, rubbed my eyes, gave my kid my car keys to jingle instead of the snickers bar and that is when this question resounded, like an unwelcome gong, in my ears.
When am I having another one?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
It's not honest, tempered, sincere inquiries that are hurtful but ones that are thoughtless and careless like this that we need to avoid. Here's why:
1. You Don't Know What Someone's Been Through
It could just have been a bad day like the one I had- it could be something more serious. The point is, unless the person is your best friend, you don't know what they've lived through. You don't know the story of how they became parents, of what kind of road they had to take to get to where they are- you don't know if they're able to have other children, you don't know if they experienced a tragedy that has caused them to rethink adding more children to the mix, you don't know who the father is, or if there is one who's available to help. You just don't know. It's insensitive to assume.
2. You Know What Happens When You Assume...
It's a societal assumption that once you have a child, there will be more to follow. We've covered insensitivities due to tragedies, infertility and the like, but what if they simply don't want another child? What if just one had been their plan all along? Who are you to judge? To make them feel as though their decision is inferior? Ellie is the most beautiful, wonderful, smart little girl in the entire world, and if she is all I ever have, I will not feel as though I had missed out on a single thing. The only child syndrome has long been proven to be a myth, anyway. They are just as social, stable and kind as kids with siblings. And graduate with less college debt:)
3. Our Job is To Build...
Our job as believers, and as humans in general, is to build one another up. When a question is phrased like this, it neglects to give someone an opportunity to share what is truly on their heart in order that they be built up by the community that surrounds them. If you begin a conversation with an assumption without knowing someone's story, it automatically puts the other person in a defensive position- their only option is to play by your assumptions and avoid their true feelings about the subject, or ignore you completely and blog about it later. Neither gets to the root of the problem.
I am not entirely sure if we will have another child. I love watching my girl grow older and seeing how she completes our family, but the sting from the most difficult two years of my life has not passed. Pregnancy and a difficult infancy took it's toll on both my physical and mental health, and I am honestly not sure at this point if I could go through it again.
I am more than ok with that.
That means, everyone else should be, too:)