Sunday And The Summer Of Never Enough
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about The Greatest Showman.
Hear me out.
Firstly, do not come for Hugh Jackman. Anyone who can believably play Wolverine and star in several musicals is a god in my book. A god. I love him.
The soundtrack has been on repeat in our house for years now, and I will never apologize for it. It’s brilliant. I watch Keala Settle’s first run-through of, “This Is Me,” whenever I need to remember who I am- and if you’re still a doubter when it comes to Hugh, watch the whole thing through here; I dare you not the cry when HE gets choked up watching her sing. I dare you.
Though that’s the song I return to when I need some grounding, that’s not the one I’m going to talk about today. It’s Jenny Lind’s, “Never Enough”.
A few years back, I told my vocal instructor that I wanted to learn it. She tried to dissuade me. Not because it was out of my range (it’s not), but because she knew I wouldn’t be able to get through it emotionally. Hot tip; if you are a singer who wants to continue to grow in your craft, a good instructor is just as good as a therapist. I pushed it and pleaded with her. She relented and knowingly took out several, other pieces to fall back on.
She was right.
I always started to break down at the end of the first chorus. I tried for weeks. She let me try.
The bitch about it was that I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t do it. What about it made me so emotional I couldn’t get through the song without crying like a child. It was angering. Annoying. Embarrassing. And yet- I couldn’t do it. I still can’t.
The lyrics haunt me, even now.
Though the gist of the words are about how all of the things she strove for would never be enough without the man that she loves- the refrain of :
All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough
Never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough
Never be enough
For me
Breaks me every time.
In the deepest and most intimate of places of my life- I am satisfied. I am content as a wife and mother. I am at home in our town, our house, our family. I am supported and loved by the most generous of friends. I am blessed to be an Auntie and an honorary Godmother to littles. This has not always been the case and so I am particularly careful to hold gratitude like a candle, lighting the dark.
But my vocations- my callings-my professions-along with my need, “to do”- has never been satisfied. It has never been enough. And I have yet to ascertain why that is. I have loved aspects of every position, every goal I deemed worthy to reach that I’ve had. And yet. There has always been an ache, a whisper, a finger gently pulling me another way.
So, I committed to working as hard and as long, and as fast as I could. In the last several years, I would collect degrees and certifications like my littlest does with rocks on our walks. I would study and read and take classes and sign up for lessons. I would cook elaborate recipes with too many steps and daydream about culinary school. I would record songs, write books, publish articles and apply to hundreds and hundreds of jobs.
And none of it was ever enough.
And all it did was exhaust me.
I’m trying to sort through what that means now, as someone who can’t really hide anymore. What if I don’t want to choose? What if I can’t? How does one do it all and keep themselves?
What does it feel like, to feel like you’ve done enough?
I’m open to suggestions. Clearly, after nearly 40 years, I’ve not worked it out on my own.
What’s Giving Me Life Right Now
I’ve been listening to Tyler Merritt’s, “I Take My Coffee Black” on Audible, and if you haven’t yet, you should. Tyler’s voice is both powerful and compassionate- and necessary.
I began the memoir, “Crying in H-Mart” by Michelle Zauner and I’m only in the first chapters, but I AM IN. Memoirs that use food as a vehicle for storytelling are my FAVORITE. Ruth Reichl is a goddess. Shauna Neiquist’s Bread and Wine quite literally, saved my life. I have a feeling this will score just as highly.
This farro salad is the PERFECT choice to pack up for the beach or the pool. The farro keeps its shape and chew, the veggies stay crisp and you’ll feel so good about yourself that you won’t even think twice about whether or not you should grab a Kohr’s Brothers cone on the way home.
But if you’re going to be hosting at home and have a little more time, may I suggest this Feta and Fresh Tomato Tart by Joy? (She doesn't know, but we’re on a first-name basis).
I get to be in water every. Single. Day. There has been nothing better for my anxiety or my body. I think we might need to invest in a timeshare somewhere warm. Ideas?
Alright, my friends. I hope this week holds hope exactly where you need to find it. I hope you make it a priority to feed yourself something that nourishes you- with food or water or theater or baseball or rośe. And if you find yourself in a position that requires you to eat your words in a way that feels humbling, humiliating, or disorienting it helps to make it delicious.
Start with the feta tart.