There is a sweetness to the season I’m in- which is an unusual thing for me to say without a trace of sarcasm.
Firstly, I don’t like sweet things very much. There are not many desserts I’d fawn over, “sweet” romantic films make me gag, I hate the color pink, and I have to work hard not to mock Southern charm. Sweetness feels foreign. Strange. Almost, “too feminine”. Thus, frivolous and weak.
Before you judge me, remember I just said I am in a season of sweetness, right?
Re-framing all of my existing narratives has meant reframing even the ones I was conditioned to adopt, and ones I placed on myself.
It has meant taking a deeper look at why I avoid buying clothes for myself, doing my nails, or even getting a haircut. It has meant facing the choices I make concerning how I show up in the world and wondering if it’s really “me” or the “me” I thought I was supposed to be.
It has meant wondering if I actually like dark chocolate over milk chocolate, or was it just the more sophisticated, grown-up choice?
I’ve done an awful lot of heavy lifting this year when it comes to facing my own demons, speaking my truth, and showing up in a way that feels genuine to me- even if it doesn’t make much sense to others.
I spent the last 40 years in my own head, believing it was the motherboard for the rest of the shell of me. In the last year, I’ve attempted to unpack my own rising panic, residual trauma, and mental health. Some days I can’t recognize any real growth, but most days the skills, tools, and healing I’ve acquired and am still acquiring are very apparent. Sometimes, I don’t even recognize myself. Or, perhaps, am recognizing myself for the first time.
Only in this season have I had thoughts about what it might mean to make an intentional shift, from my brain- to my body. So I am trying. It took 40 years to live only in my brain, I cannot be discouraged if it takes the next 40 to live in my body. But I have been trying to pay attention, and what I have noticed it saying has both made perfect sense and is also shocking.
Most of it is sweet.
The belief that my body was evil, that living in the “flesh” was forbidden in order to be holy, and my own lived-in trauma led me to believe that living in my body would only lead to darkness, pain, and sin.
The opposite has been true.
These are some things I’ve learned from my body ( someday I will be integrated enough to name her in first person, we are not there yet).
Sense of smell is REALLY important to her. She loves the smell of jasmine and bergamot- but nothing trumps the simple smell of almond extract. (If you have a suggestion for a great almond body wash, I am on the hunt).
She doesn’t like the way below-the-knee boots feel on her calves, and how they affect her lower back. ( I have worn these boots for years that I have called “my favorite” without noticing how much pain they cause my entire body).
She’d rather be barefoot at all times even if they are freezing because the connection to the ground feels safer. Baths also feel safer. I didn’t know she was almost always looking to feel safe.
Being on a screen for more than 2 hours without a break makes her head feel like someone is squeezing it and she is good to no one unless she walks away for a bit before returning.
If she gets a walk, some water, and some raw veggies once a day her back, neck and stomach ache much less.
Vitamin D, Fish Oil, Collagen, and Ashwagandha make a difference in her joints, her mood, and how she internalizes anxious and intrusive thoughts.
If I let her wake up naturally, anywhere between 6:45-7:05 is the perfect time.
Stretching on a yoga mat feels very, very good.
Being outside near water makes her remember what it means to center things around her own life, and not the other way around.
She doesn’t like how jackets feel when she wears short sleeves underneath them.
Singing is a full-body experience and the only activity that seems to integrate both my brain and my body and my spirit (whatever that is). When I do it, I sleep better at night.
A happy, happy hour is shrimp cocktail, crab dip, good kettle chips, and a cold glass of Rose at 3 pm; preferably out of doors.
While I willingly eat a plethora of things, ham, apparently, is a complete no-go.
Fun fact: I have been eating ham for years when offered it. Not until I began this little listening to my body project did I discover that I in actuality HATE HAM.
As in, I cooked one at home this week because it was free and I was gagging in the kitchen and had to call in reinforcements to carve it up for someone else’s lunch. Is this not ODD??? I have always eaten it, when I lived only in my brain that told me to shut up and be grateful, to do as I was told and eat what was on my plate. To know that all I have to do was ASK my own body, and truly listen to it- this was an eye-opener.
I am curious to know what else she’ll tell me if I let her.
I’ll be sure to let you know.
Things That Have Made This Season Sweet
My sweet co-workers sent Jeni’s Ice Cream as an early birthday gift. It was a double-gift, as I was able to determine I DO actually like dark chocolate best after all :).
A sweet gift from a favorite chef- who has the same kind of sweet tooth I do. Which means, there’s always salt involved.
Did you know that basically every system operates under a circadian rhythm ( suited to men’s needs) and NOT a lunar rhythm, under which women function? Does that sound like some crazy woo-woo stuff? It did to me, too, for a little but I’m sold on the moon and how my body syncs to it at the moment. It’s fascinating, and if you’re a human with a female reproductive system I strongly recommend you research how the world has (yet again) been trying to force us to live in a world built for men. Leaning into my own cycle has given me so much insight into how to listen better to my body. Kate Northrup’s “Do Less” has been so helpful in this area.
4. I’ve been reading some Romantasy, drinking some old-school cocktails for fun, and taking my kids to the best steakhouse to simply eat pickles out of a bucket. I’m going to attempt to grow some flowers again by starting them inside this time, drinking this herbal tea on the daily and letting my kids create their own wacky playlists in anticipation of summer.
5. We’ve been dreaming as a family of where we’d like to travel to, experience, and enjoy as a family of four before our oldest flies the coop….in 5 years. It’s bittersweet to be in this sweet season knowing it won’t last for long.
Thank you for one more year here with me. Thank you for bearing witness as I’ve eaten my words about almost all the things that once really mattered. I hope that as things pivot and as I learn to learn further into who I am and where I want to go, you’ll stick around.
For now, eat something delicious….and tell me all about it.