I am staring at a wide awake, almost three week old. There is no reason she should be wide awake, considering she screamed all night. And by all night, I literally mean, every waking second with perhaps, an hour reprieve. I went over and over the list of things I ate to see if I could track down what could be bothering her little tummy. I rocked her. Swayed her. Swung her. Walked her up and down the hallway. Sang to her. Read to her. Prayed over her. To no avail. Her face was a perpetual state of red, she pumped her little legs up and down and she was very clear that her parents would not be getting to see the underside of their sheets anytime during the night. We looked up remedies. Contacted the doctor. She's not dehydrated. She's still eating. There are still plenty of diapers to change. Please, God. Don't tell me this is the dawning of the dreaded "C" word.
I had always heard about colicky babies- ones who fuss that have no reason to, usually around the same time of day or night- or, if you're my girl, all night. I just didn't have any idea what a strain it places on a Mama. I worried about her. Berated myself for doing something wrong. Cried with her as she seemed to be in pain. After the 6 hour mark, I was convinced there was something considerably wrong. I wrote the doctor an e-mail and waited the next 4 hours by the laptop for the reply.
After my 4 paragraph, detailed and dramatic e-mail about the specifics of Ellie's condition, the answer was not what I expected.
"Give her a little diluted chamomile tea twice a day. Good luck."
What? She doesn't have a gastro-intestinal disorder? You don't want to see her first thing in the morning for extensive testing? You're not going to chastise me for eating dairy or drinking a quarter of a cup of coffee?
I wanted my anxiety to be justified. For him to tell me something that would make me feel better. For him to fix it. My ever-deep running issue, however, is realizing that anxiety is never justified. All signs point to my child being healthy- babies cry. Sometimes, all night. They just do. Most things is life cannot be fixed by me. That's where God comes in.
So, if you have time today, think and pray for us as we muddle through the rest of the day half awake. Pray that Ellie gets some sleep and some comfort- and if she doesn't, pray for my sanity and ability to let it go. This Mom stuff is no joke.