The Electric Booger-Sucker and Other Stupid Things Parents Buy for Their Sick Children

My baby has her first, ever, cold.

Which, should make me feel like a stellar parent, since she's almost one.  No colds until now! Unfortunately, this also means that I have not had to "break in" this new experience that every parent deems a right of passage.  You all know how I am with something I'm not familiar with.  I'm one of those people who refuses to do anything unless she knows she can do it well.  Parenting doesn't warrant a lot of grace for people like me.  There's a reason for that, but that's for a more serious post.  Back to the matter at hand.

My baby woke up with a burning forehead, glassy eyes and thick, slimey stuff coming out of her little nose.  What?!? What is this? I thought children were impervious to illness like superheroes or teachers? Didn't Sid the Science Kid just tell me that if we wash our hands we'll stay nice and healthy? We wash our hands! We wash our hands!

So, I did what every logical, rational, first time parent would do.

I ran to CVS and dropped an entire paycheck on things like Vicks Baby rub, scented oil to put in the vaporizer, a fancy-schmancy thermometer that takes baby's temperature from the forehead, saline drops, specific wipes meant to soothe sore noses, sippy cups for water to soothe sore throats, and the ominous contraption neither my husband or myself can ever remember the name for, but have dubbed the, "electric booger-sucker".

Let's begin.  She hates the Babyrub.  Tried to scrape it off of her chest with her fingernails leaving little red streaks, getting it into her eyes where it clung to her lashes and burned.  Fail number one.

The oil (that was made, specifically for the vaporizer, just to note) makes her sneeze.  Like the dude next door when he cuts his lawn.  Earth-shattering, window rattling sneezes.  Fail number two.

She threw all of the sippy cups on the ground, refusing to drink.

Tore the "gentle nose wipes" into shreds, leaving a wet paper trail all over the house.

Oh, and the electric booger-sucker? Shrieks in horror at the mere sight of it and tries to claw her way up your shirt to get away from it.  When shown to my father-in-law while expressing my frustration his reply was:

"Well of course she hates it-that thing looks like it's trying to suck your brain out through your nose".

Perfect.

Well, it's been two days and her temperature has been gently climbing its way back down to normal.  Not with any of my help, assuredly.

Lesson learned: Babies get sick.  Babies get better.  Save the 40 bucks you would have spent on an electric booger sucker and put it to some other use.  Like, for a professional grade magnifying glass for her first splinter.