The Lawnmower

It's official, so I am now free to announce that my career as an English Teacher is on an extended hiatus.  After much toil, anxious prayers, several bottles of a crisp Riesling- they go down so easily!- and staring into my little daughter's ever changing face, I decided my season as a full time high school teacher is over for a while.  This was one of, if not the hardest decisions of my life for several reasons.  One being that I actually love teaching teenagers- I know, who knew? I seriously do.  I love my students.  Two, I love my subject matter.  Especially when I get to teach literature and writing the way I believe it should be taught.  Three, because I am a nervous wreck about leaving something stable without a lot of financial wiggle room.  Terrified, actually, would be a more appropriate word.  So terrified I've hardly slept this week and for the first time in three months, it had nothing to do with my restless infant.  However, I wanted to share a story with you that I believe God used to encourage me in this decision and hopefully it'll encourage you as well.

The day I put my resignation letter in the mail(after I wrote it three weeks ago, addressed it a week ago, put the stamp on last Saturday and finally, with shaking hands, asked my husband to mail it on the way to work because I didn't trust myself to actually go through with it) I had a mild but prevalent nervous breakdown.  What the hell did I do?  I just threw away a position I worked hard to obtain and to keep.  A title I studied and researched and practiced to earn.  An opportunity to continue to hone my skill.  A salary.  A salary.  A salary with benefits.  Ugggggghhhhhhh.  Stupid.  Stupid. Stupid.   We'll never be able to afford anything now.  I looked out my kitchen window into my overgrown backyard.  We don't even own a lawnmower.  We couldn't afford one on two salaries.  We'll never own one now.  Tears streamed down my face.  Did I make the wrong decision?

I was reserved and quiet when Rich came home.  I didn't want to worry him.  He fully supported my decision to stay home as long as possible with our daughter, I didn't want him to think I had changed my mind.  I was in the kitchen making dinner when Rich called me from the living room.

"Hey, Jen? Mr. M's in our driveway."

Rich and I grew up with Mr. M at our old church.  Nice, old guy but was never particularly close to us and we hadn't talked to him in going on 4 years.  What would possess him to come to our house?  He didn't even call!  I told Rich to go out and see what he wanted, as I wasn't in the mood for small talk.  But, not two seconds later, Rich was calling me to come out into the driveway.  Fine.   Rich explained that Mr. M's neighbor was moving after living in the same house for 60 years into a condo and he was looking for good homes for some of his belongings he didn't need to take with him.  Rich told me to go look in the back of Mr. M's car to see if there was anything we needed.  Reluctantly, I walked around to the back.  There, in the trunk was a shiny, green lawnmower.

"Thought you guys might need one." Mr. M said as my mouth hung open.  We did.  We did need one.  I was speechless.  And then, immensely grateful. For more than just a machine to cut our shaggy grass.

The lawnmower felt like God saying, " You made the right decision.  You take care of Ellie and I'll make sure to provide what you need."

I'm still anxious about how this new season in our lives is going to play out.  But every time my kid smiles or my husband cuts the grass, I'm going to remember to breathe a little.  God provides.