I am equal parts nervous Nelly and Warrior woman.
I have a twenty-year-old ulcer that gets aggravated every few months from fretting too much and I shame it back into submission with pastina and dry toast. I have nightmares about natural disasters on a weekly basis, a cancer diagnosis, a car accident, and shake off the sweat every morning in a cold shower and a pep talk. I have more insurance policies than fingers now that I have two human daughters and one of the furry variety.
Risk-assessing should have been my minor in college.
I worry about the loud noise I just heard on the street or if it got too quiet all of a sudden when everyone is home. I worry about the bills getting paid on time or forgetting to call the orthodontist about the kid’s broken bracket or whether or not it’s really worth it to spend an extra 20 bucks on shorts that actually fit.
But there is one thing I do not EVER worry about.
Ever.
In times of crisis or in great need, when decisions are required to be made quickly, when our livelihoods, quality of life, or security is threatened- I never worry that I might not know how to do something.
I’ve repeated three words to myself since I was a little girl that have carried me through marital crisis, near bankruptcy, loss of babies, grief, PTSD, OCD and trauma…
I CAN LEARN.
It’s my ace in the hole. I am a master pivoter. I have never, not once, been afraid I wouldn’t be able to figure something out.
How to live on my own?
How to rebuild a faith I tore down?
How to buy and sell a house?
How to start a business?
How to make a huge career transition?
How to pay off 50K in debt?
How to make 2K in 2 weeks?
Bake bread?
Change the oil in the car?
I. CAN. LEARN.
It was the guiding phrase while applying for jobs outside of my field and my qualifications hardly touched the listed job descriptions. Did that prevent me from applying? Nope. Why? I can learn.
It is what continues to drive me to query manuscripts that keep getting rejected- I want the feedback, to improve. Why? Because I can learn.
It’s what allows me to dream of new and different opportunities ( community theater in my 40’s? Opening a cafe and a bookstore? Traveling to Italy on a budget? Publishing my own book? ) I can learn!
I hate being a novice. My biggest fear is being found to be incompetent, unintelligent, or incapable. So, I will learn it. I will learn it well.
The best part is: you can, too. It doesn’t take any fees or degrees to simply decide that you are able to learn what’s necessary to live the life you want. There is wealth of education waiting at the library, on YouTube, in your friends and neighbors to point you in the right direction.
We can learn.
What’s Nourishing Me?
My anxiety has been at a pretty all-time high, since my birthday. Chest pains, shortness of breath, waking in panic, tunnel vision, ringing ears, the general idea that something terrible is right around the corner. I feel the edges lifting a little, and I can attribute them to certain things:
Walking. I started walking WITHOUT my furry companion, and just for myself. (I walk her as well, not to worry, but the mental and physical commitment it takes to walk a reactive, 70lb dog is much different than a leisurely stroll on my own). It has helped.
I started taking Vit D supplements again ( I am always very low, and it absolutely effects my mental health when I forget) along with fish oil, magnesium and ashwaganda in my coffee. Do I think it cures all things? No. Is it possible just the act of taking them is what is providing some temporary relief from the “running from a lion” feeling? Sure. Does it matter, if I actually feel better? Not even a little.
A weekend away with the best friends was enough to jump-start a healing wake-up call. I understand this is not a possibility for all- but if you can get away, even for a few hours somewhere, it really helps.
4. Meals outside. I’ve spent more time in my backyard this year than ever before. I need to feel the grass and the gnats and the scratchy wood- I need to restain my patio set, any suggestions?
5. I will be the first to admit that ACOTAR is NOT my favorite. ( I’m a Throne of Glass girl, all the way). But I AM grateful for the escape it’s provided, and the fun dialogue among friends.
I have attempted to ensure a good majority of these have fallen under the free category in order to reach as many folks as possible who might benefit from joining in. If it is within your ability to being a paid subscriber, please consider it. I love what I get to do here- and would love to be able to continue to do so.
“I can learn.” One of the most powerful perspectives/attitude to have and live by. And what an impressive list of things learned! Thank you for writing this ❤️