The Three Questions That Changed my Life

Or, my own answer to the buzz-word, "Self-Care".

When I wake up, everything hurts. When I hike, I feel it the next day. I can no longer drink coffee past 3 p.m., or wine for that matter. It gives me heartburn. I can’t keep my eyes open past 9 p.m. and I have a face-washing routine that lasts about a half hour. I am in an entirely new stage of life where I have to begin actively making choices that will very directly affect how I live out the rest of my life.

That’s some scary shit.

And I spent some time wallowing, lamenting the fact that I can’t use sun-in and a Venti iced latte to perk me up anymore. One of the biggest problems is, that if you begin to venture online for some help you will inundated with too much information on how to shift your perspective and live a balanced, healthy life. There are 5 healthy habits lists floating around and too many planners and organizers to name. There are Mediterranean diets and peletons and meditative practices and breath work and online therapists and oils and the problem is that most of them are good things! There are just too many of them, and I end up becoming too overwhelmed with content, wearing my yoga pants and never using them other than sitting back down on the couch with a defeated spirit and a bag of Doritos.

We all know caring for ourselves should be a priority, but with all of the mixed messaging it was enough to make me throw in the towel long before I began; until I began narrowing my self-care pursuit down to three, defining questions that have since transformed my entire day. I know not everyone received the same conditioning I did in a religious system that deprioritized and even demonized my own body and placed importance on everyone outside of myself, but I figured some of you might have the same content consumption issue as I did. In either case, I thought I would share them with you.

Every morning I wake up I ask myself three questions. Every single morning.

1. How can I honor my body today?

2. How can I honor my mind today?

3. How can I honor my spirit today?

I mull it over as I brush my teeth, and make the coffee and the lunches for the day. It makes me stop and evaluate how I am feeling, assess my needs, and provide a plan of action that could vary from day to day based on those needs. It’s both versatile and succinct, and it’s literally changed my life.

So, how do I use them?

How Can I Honor My Body Today?

I’m just going to say it. I hate to exercise. Hate it. Like, I’d basically rather do anything else. Every time I’ve approached exercise in previous years, it’s come from a punitive place; punishment for having eaten things I shouldn’t have, for being lazy and not moving enough, etc. I’m also a serious foodie which means I love to cook- and eat- and I don’t like to limit my options when it comes to either. But I had been getting to a place where I was starting to feel uncomfortable in my skin, where my back was aching more than it should and I was generally feeling older than I actually was. Rather than run to the nearest fad diet like usual, I started asking myself,

“How can I honor my body today?”

Reframing the questions I normally asked such as, “How can I lose weight?” has been a serious game changer for me. For starters, using a word like honor immediately connotates positivity: something my previous questions NEVER did. Honoring my body felt like a nourishing question; a loving question. It communicated to my body first and foremost that I LOVED it and that I want to listen to its needs in order to honor them.

And you know what?

I move so much more now without even thinking about it because I’m doing it from a place of love. Honoring my body sometimes looks like a yoga session after my back has told me I sat for too long today and it was feeling the repercussions of the inactivity. Sometimes it means a long walk on the trail closest to my house without counting steps because my body deeply needed the connection to the earth to feel grounded. Sometimes, it means a quiet cup of tea and breathing because my body had been suffering some physical, adverse effects of anxiety, and rather than shame it for suffering I honor it by paying attention and participating in things that will HONOR it.

My body feels the healthiest it has felt in a long time because I am learning to honor it in this way.

How Can I Honor My Mind Today?

I’ve never kept my issues with both anxiety and depression a secret, but as I’ve gotten older it became apparent that I needed to take steps to invite other (professionals) into my life to help me monitor it. My doctor is the absolute best; she really listens, she really cares, and she helps me come up with solutions that we both feel comfortable with. I also have a therapist who’s been integral in teaching me how to recognize some of my patterns and provide ways to usurp them before they snowball into a full-blown anxiety attack. This is all well and good, but the care of my mind isn’t only reactive in nature; it’s proactive as well. The best way I’ve found to honor my mind is to be proactive in the things that are challenging, creative, and life-giving. My answer to,

“How Can I Honor My Mind Today?” could vary from sitting at the piano for an hour to reading a chapter in the book I’ve been dying to dive into, to setting aside a specific amount of time to tackle something for work that I’ve been putting off, to engaging in a creative project that fills my bucket; thusly, decreasing my chances of experiencing anxiety in a way that I cannot handle later.

How Can I Honor My Spirit Today?

I feel like our spiritual health, or the health of our spirit is often placed last when it really is what is the most influential in how our day will go. I am not necessarily talking about a higher power or an exercise in a religious belief even though it certainly could include that practice if it feeds your spirit. I ask myself what will truly give me a sense of peace and purpose for the day; what will remind me that I am a part of something bigger than myself, and make me feel more like myself in kind. It could be as simple as a phone call to a friend in order to connect in a deeper way, a swing in the hammock in my garden and mentally listing all of the things I used to want and now have with gratitude, cooking a lavish meal with courses and wine pairings for beloved family or studying a favored verse or poem that reminds me how beautiful life can be.

There are so many ways to care for oneself and prioritize well-being- but you don’t need to subscribe to a list, a method, or a strategy crafted by someone else. So, ask yourself the questions- and don’t be surprised if you begin to learn that YOU knew YOU best after all.

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What’s Nourishing Me Right Now:

1. I am going to have the very unpopular opinion of saying that I read Barbara Kingsolver’s, “Demon Copperhead,” and…. I just wasn’t that into it. I know!!! Reading is what gives me life, and I’ve been a long-time admirer of Kingsolver’s work. Let me say first, that her genius did not go unnoticed. Her writing style and character development were enough to make me gasp with its stunning accuracy and despairing beauty- and yet, I just wasn’t that interested. I’m not sure if that’s just the stage of life I’m in; life is hard enough, and I don’t want to fill my reading space with even more reminders, maybe? But, it fell flat for me in a way that felt deeply disappointing. I’m going to earmark it and revisit it in a few months to see if a different headspace was required to access it. On the other hand, I finished, “Lessons in Chemistry” and literally cried the entire way through it. If you’ve ever felt discounted, abused, marginalized, alone because you’re a woman- read it. In fact, it’s the first novel I LISTENED to and I’m so glad I did. I also finished Kelly Barnhill’s, “When Women Were Dragons,” and while I will freely admit that it lacked the transcendent beauty, “The Girl Who Ate the Moon,” did- there are certain elements of the allegory that will stay with me for a long time. Particularly the image of women as both beautiful and powerful; often, those characteristics play parts as juxtaposition, but Barnhill highlighted their collaborative strengths.

2. I’ve been traveling quite a bit for work this summer; my company is based in Florida, and ping-pongs between Orlando and Sanford for events and the warehouse/home offices. Where I’ve eaten that feels noteworthy to mention are the following:

• The Polite Pig in Disney Springs is worth the venture out. I understand that my native NJ spirit may cause you to discount my ability to judge good BBQ- but trust me on this one. I’d go for the pork shoulder over and over, but if I’m honest, I’m not sure if it’s really that good or if the jalapeno cornbread it comes with seals the deal.

• If you’re looking for a fun atmosphere with delicious food and an exhaustive beer list, Hollerbach’s in the historic Sanford district is a must. Get the mini eisbeins (pig wings) and potato pancakes to share over a boot and thank me later.

• If you know me, you know that coffee makes up a good part of life and that is NOT hyperbole. Palate Coffee Roasters in Sanford breathed life back into me with their Cinnamon Honey Latte- so much so, that I’d be tempted to make the trip out again to try their Dark Chocolate Pistachio latte.

  

  3. If you’ve been following me on socials, you may have noticed my presence has dwindled there over the summer. That wasn’t necessarily an intentional decision to start but has increasingly become so. I leaned in hard to consistently post there, as I was advised by many literary agents that though my manuscript was worth a read, my platform wouldn’t support a contract. But I’ve come to a few conclusions I wanted to share with you about how and where I’ll be showing up online from now on.

• Consistently posting became too much about gaining a following, and too little about the message I thought would help others. It was a pressure I didn’t anticipate, and one I don’t need. It began to feel obsessive and unhealthy, so I’m reevaluating how I show up there. The facts are, this:

• I’m only interested in sharing my stories in a way that makes others feel seen. If that’s one or 100,000- so be it.

• I miss long-form writing in a way that socials do not support- and I miss writing without wondering if anyone is going to, “like” it. This was one of the first posts this summer I posted without strategy, and it was the most popular. It cemented the decision for me.

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  Jenny Vanderberg Shannon on Instagram: “It was 2008 and I needed a profile pic for my first every #blog on #blogspot- remember those? I was 25, and had been married for 3 years. We were still adjusting to married life, as young evangelicals often are long into their relationship- we didn’t really know each other. Not really. But I did know a few things- a few things I kept quiet and close as a good, young wife should. I knew because of the messaging I had received from our culture, and society at large, that I had to ensure I was attractive and thin enough to keep my husband. That men were “visual” and it was up to me to maintain his fidelity, care and investment in me. (To be clear, none of that thankfully ever came from him which has been one of the things that has saved us). And so I was. Just like I had been doing for decades, I would scrape the butter off the toast I was given. Throw whole, packed lunches in the bathroom trash can, drink slim fast to hold me over. I was on medication for ulcers, suffered “unknown GI distress” no doctor could figure out, or cared to look a little deeper. If they did they would have found the simplest of diagnoses- I was just, starving. I remember selecting this particular photo because it was a side profile- one that proved I worked hard not to have a double chin by, “fasting”. How spiritually superior I thought I was. That God was enough to meet my needs- who needs dinner? Part of my interest and passion for food is the fact that I never, truly allowed myself to eat it for so long. What a gift to myself it has been to learn about what nourishes and what heals, what grows and what simmers and what braises and how it all can be used for good. It isn’t possible to “keep” anyone, no matter how thin you are. The next question being why you would to keep anyone who’s only vested interest in you is your pants size. That may sound like common sense to you, but I assure you it was not apparent to me. I only wanted to be good. I wanted to do what was right. I wanted to belong. Now? I just want everyone to be free from believing that your body exists to please anyone else. I am thankful to be on the way there.”

  August 20, 2023

All that to say, I’m so thankful you let me show up in your inbox on a semi-weekly basis. This will be the best place to find me, from here on out so I hope you stick around.