There's Music in My Heart!

A lot has transpired in the last few weeks, inspiring a wide range of emotions.  I was rejected by all three of the grad schools to which I applied.  I've been asked if I am pregnant, count them, FOUR times.  (I am NOT, for the curious reader, just snacking a little too frequently, apparently).  I have bounced back and forth between feeling terrible about these events, not caring remotely, and being at absolutely peace in knowing in whom my identity lies.  If these things had happened even months ago, I would have needed more than a weekend to recover.  But I am learning, slowly learning, how to walk in my inheritance.  How to live like a daughter of a king. I'm not an orphan.  I'm beautiful and loved by the most high God.  The rest of you can go eat dirt.  Just kidding.  A little.

I would love to write a scathing social satire on righting social faux pas.  In fact, I did.  And then erased it.  Perhaps I'm losing my edge.  What I will say is this:

Never tell anyone who has suffered a disappointment that God has something better for their lives, unless you really and truly mean it.  I believe He's got something better for me.  I really do.  When someone says it as an auto-response, it's offensive.  Just like you should never tell someone that you're sorry for their loss at a funeral, unless you really are.  Sorry.  Words and phrases should never be something we say because they're expected of us.  It's good practice to say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Don't patronize me with Christianese and your, "oh, well, better luck next time" attitude.  I know that I didn't get into these programs because I am intended for something great, and vast- bigger than I can comprehend.   I know it and am excited for it.

I feel like it's unfortunate that it's necessary to even address the fact that it's not just impolite to imply a pregnancy, but it's uncouth at best, and downright rude.  You never know someone's inner struggles: with weight, with self-image, with fertility-ect.  I have lost a child.  I nearly lost myself in the birth of my second pregnancy- my Ellie.  The word, "pregnant" still makes my blood run cold and brings tears of fear with remembrance.  If we were to decide to have another child, it is not without risk or great emotional struggle.  Please, oh please, do not trivialize it by asking me.  Particularly if you don't know me very well.  Having a child is a great blessing- and a very personal one.  If God were to bless us with another child, give me the respect to announce it myself.

Lastly, my daughter found a toy stethoscope among her toys this morning and, after placing them in her ears she ran to me exclaiming, "Mama! There is music in my heart!"

After the events of the last few weeks, it filled my heart with joy to know that at least, we are doing something right in our little family.