Things I Never Noticed/Knew Before I Was a Mother

1. How no one says, "Thank you" anymore for holding the door.

2.  That those inserts in the Sunday paper actually have little things on them called coupons that may save you money on things you use in obscene amounts when you have a child- like paper towels and whole milk and are not just simply a marketing ploy to glamorize Pizza Hut's notorious nutritional failings.

3.  How buttons, nickels and other small, seemingly unassuming inanimate objects have a brooding, threatening undercurrent when placed in a little mouth.

4.  Elevators, swing-sets and trains are fascinating, adventuresome, whimsical creations.

5.  There is so much more to gain from reading things aloud.  Even if it's, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".

6.  The term, "exhausted" is not one-dimensional, but instead has multiple layers, similar to Dante's Hell.

7.  Everything is filthy and has the potential to burgeon an inexplicable, contagious epidemic from which we will never recover.  People and places, indefinitely.  Children, particularly.

8.  Some teenage girls seem to think getting dressed in the morning (meaning, putting on any article of clothing at all that covers oneself) is an archaic ritual better left to the last generation.  I suppose, that would be me.

9.  Commercials are handcrafted to mold my innocent child's character into a greedy, consumer-driven, self gratifying jerk.  Cable is no welcome to pry it's intrusive claws into my kid's eyeballs.

10.  Sugar, even in small quantities, has such a profound affect on a child's behavior it's a wonder we all still continue to consume it in vast quantities.

11.  How many parents speak to their children in public places with anger, harsh, reactionary words and even physical responses.

12.  How many parents simply don't engage with their children at all.

13.  How you could get used to even the most rotten of smells- i.e., vomit, poop- and leave the house with such remnants on your person without noticing until you've sat down in a restaurant for dinner.

14.  Mothers are always in shape.  It is impossible to lift 20 lbs, 2o times a day and not reap some benefit.

15.  There is nothing more life-giving than a full night of complete, uninterrupted rest.

16.   We want you to approach us in the supermarket to tell us how beautiful our child is- we just don't want you to touch her/him.

17.  Cleaning the house with an active toddler is simply rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Completely and utterly useless.

18.  How hard, involved Papas really have it- the ones who work out of the house, away from the ones they love the most, to come home to change dirty diapers, an overgrown lawn, and a fussy child.

19.  Children have the potential to strengthen a marriage and help it prosper.

20.  Baby Wipes are God's most precious gift.