Turned Around
Everything could have gone wrong today. Ellie was awake from 11 to 4 am last night, resulting in an angry and resentful Mama, and an exhausted Papa. I felt discouraged in every sense of the word. I had neglected some things that I had to take care of, and the list was looming like Big Brother. The same three, mismatched pair of Ellie's socks had been sitting on the same step for going on three weeks, and for some reason it seemed more reasonable to grumble and obsess about the state of my house than to just, oh, you know, bring them upstairs. My plans for the morning shifted drastically, and I was left feeling annoyed by the change and even more overwhelmed with the amount I had to carry during the small window of time I had a babysitter. I felt like I had disappointed someone, let someone else down, and that another person was angry with me. In short, everything was about me today. My feelings. My needs. My schedule. My insecurities.
I am so blessed to have people who love me- self-centered as I am- and have the ability to kindly and gently, but firmly, kick my rear-end. Thanks to Sister Sunshine for praying with me over the phone and reminding me that whatever I'm staring at, God is bigger. Whatever I'm feeling, God is greater. And He chose me to be his daughter; to be love to those who need it. Gosh I need a reminder everyday. Someday I hope to move past this stage.
I am counting down the days until I turn 30......in all seriousness. I know I've said it before and no one believes me, but I am so excited for my thirties! I know how much God has brought me through in my 20's....I know enough to know He'll never leave me. I'm pretty sure I've waited my whole life to be this exact age . Oh, and I'm going to Paris to celebrate. That's kind of exciting, too.
If I'm turning 30, that means my daughter's turning 2. What?!?!?! Her baby face is already gone and has been replaced with a little girl who speaks full sentences and eats broccoli. I am not sad to see her babyhood go, truth be told. I am excited every day to see what kind of person she's becoming and what crazy things she'll say! I can't wait to know her- to go out to eat with her, shop with her, read with her, see her first play together, watch her sing, play soccer or ballet. Every day is better than the last one, every year better. I am not sad to see the days go- I'm delighted to get to watch her grow into this cool little kid I get to hang out with! We're going to celebrate her at the zoo.....as we should. Cheeky monkey.
I did not get into Oxford, thanks to those who prayed with me through the process! I was sad for a day, but God used this so big in my life. I desire to approach this new decade of my life with no fear. No anxiety. I am choosing to believe that God is bigger....and that I do not have to live as an orphan. This was a huge step toward that life! I feel so brave for trying! I really do. And I'm not sure whether it's good or not, but I'm proud of myself, too. I don't have to wonder any "what if's", nor do I feel like my self-worth was tied up in the rejection. I know I'm good, it's just not what God has for me. And I am really ok with that. Much better than if I had never tried at all.
I'm so glad this day turned out to be the opposite of what I thought. Hope yours turned around, too.