Wanted: Hope.

My girl decided to wake up at 11:30 last night, and not go back to bed until 4.  At 1:30, I gave in to frustrated tears and watched as my husband silently got out of bed and made the funeral march to her bedroom.  As I lied in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how long we were going to have to survive this sleep deprived existence, words that Rich prayed over me before we went to "bed" came back to me.

Lord, please help my wife let go.  

There is nothing wrong with my kid.  There have been times when she has put herself to sleep, happily.  No rocking, no bottle, no songs, no books, no nothing.  They happen too infrequently for me to remember what the divine circumstances were, but I know they've occurred.  On the nights that she gives me a wet kiss and gently drifts off to sleep, to stay down for at least four hours, I cry sweet tears of joy.  But, more often than not, she is up from 2-6 times a night.  Mostly, waking up screaming, sometimes, giggling, sometimes just lonesome.  Sometimes she just needs a snuggle for ten minutes and goes right back down.  Most times it takes an hour.  Or hours.

I know you're not a stranger to our story.  I'm sure you're sick of my dissertations on the latest sleep technique we've attempted to implement for at least two weeks at a time, as suggested.  I'm sure as you've read my words, you've wondered yourself why I'm holding on to hope that one day she'll just, wake up after a full night's rest and realize that that wasn't so bad after all.

I had always thought that having hope in the Lord meant that he would change my circumstances.  I mean, I would negate that belief verbally and never, actually allow myself to admit that that is what I thought, but when it comes down to it, my hope has been directly linked to my circumstances.

Funny, that's not really what God meant.  My hope is in Him, and Him alone.  That means trusting that He has my best interests in mind, even when my circumstances may indicate otherwise.  He is always good.  My circumstances, not so much.

My husband knows me well.  He knows I cannot let go of trying to control everything- especially my low-sleep need child.  I want to fix it, to find the perfect solution.  But what if there just isn't one? Can I let go, trusting that my God is bigger and He is good, even when my circumstances are not?

All I can say, as a gigantic mug of freshly brewed coffee is next to me, is that I am trying.  I am trying. And I am thankful for a spouse who prays for me.  And who gets up at night.  And who loves me unconditionally, control freak and all.