When What You've Always Done Doesn't Work
Thoughts on Filling Back Up
I am in the midst of recovering from a series of unfortunate events. It has led to a general sense of “ick” about the summer when, historically, it’s the season I look forward to the most. I am concerned about how I am going to balance all the things- especially right now.
Because almost everything I’ve used in the last few years to cope is no longer working- or even appealing.
I have theories for some of them, and some I have no idea.
The first is fairly obvious. I am a writer and an avid reader. Those are my go-to’s to decompress, to process and to connect with myself. But my day job has been rather intense lately, and the majority of what I do for work (content/copy/developmental editing, content development, copywriting on a marketing team) has derailed my downtime. I can no longer read without subconsciously checking for sentence structure or grammatical errors. When writing, I find myself struggling to lay down copywriting rules and pick up creative writing ones. It’s enough to make me walk away entirely for right now, and that makes me feel like it’s just one more thing I have to sacrifice in this season.
The second is cooking. Both of my kids acquired some mouth metal this season, which has made eating very difficult. This has completely derailed my meal-prepping, planning, ideation, and time in the kitchen (not to mention, it’s been really hard to watch and help them navigate). There are only so many ways you can scramble eggs, mash potatoes and boil pastina. It’s made shopping and cooking completely unenjoyable…which is foreign to me.
The last is music. While I’ve had a touch-and-go relationship with how I interact with what used to be my entire life, I am struggling to find my own place as a middle-aged woman in the music world…especially as I grapple with the healing of my hand, and the new normal/obstacles it has presented.
My default setting has always been overproduction. I am close to judgy about it. I am a machine- except, clearly, this season, I am not. Shauna Niequist has said that creative refueling is “part of her job”. She visits the theater, sees live music, eats at restaurants, walks through museums- and considers it as simply a requirement to continue creating the way that she does. In all truth, I’ve always scoffed at what sounded like privileged indulgence.
I am eating my words.
I have no idea who I am if I am not creating/working in some capacity. This is not a new problem….but a new situation that has left me actually unable to attempt to “make the world a better place” in some tangible way right now.
What does one do when the only way one has done things no longer works?
No, I’m really asking.
I wish I was outlining the next great American novel right now. Composing a concept piece. Prepping for a three-course, Turkish-inspired dinner. Preparing audition pieces for community theater.
I barely have enough energy to pour cream in my coffee.
Turns out, I have severely neglected the “part of my job” that calls for a refuel.
How do you fill up your creative bucket?
What do you do when your body says no, but your responsibilities can’t just disappear?
How do you recalibrate your identity as a creative when you are not creating right now?
Help me out.
Also-how do we stay creatives when eggs cost a million dollars, we have to cancel vacations, we have kids who need braces and everyone wants a piece of us?
Things That Are Nourishing Me
I’m not cooking much at all these days, but when I do, it’s usually something like this: sautéed greens, olive oil, feta cheese, Calabrian chili paste, and an egg or two. It’s less cooking than assembling in a pan. I also make a batch of Green Goddess Dressing a week and pour it on literally everything. This recipe is closest to the one I use.
In my 40’s, I’m finding my hormones at different phases of my cycle to be basically INSANE. I’ve really enjoyed researching how to naturally support the body I have right now. Any resources, send them my way- especially if they’re witchy and somehow involve the moon.
Swimming is always a reset for me. I need to be submerged in cold water to emerge with a new perspective. Grateful for a town pool that supports this.
I’m making lists of tri-state area restaurants to try, shows to see, and locations to visit for the best sunsets (suggestions?). I’m asking for help in all the areas because it’s becoming increasingly clear that I can’t be a present parent and a full-time employee at the self-same time. I’m collecting free passes from the library to walk local museums, taste-testing the best cappuccinos and chocolate ice cream and holding on to hope that this dry season is really just a season to refuel for what is to come.
I can't say much for other aspects of this post but for writing...the cure and the practice are the same. And that is execution. To write more, you have to write. Sounds so simple but that's it. Don't outline the great American novel, just start writing. You can outline as you go. Leave room for change. Write and observe at the same time. When the character does something let them do it, don't make them do it. Outlines can come whenever, but if you think you should outline before you write then you'll never write. Jordan Peele put it best "When I'm writing my first draft I constantly remind myself all I'm doing is adding sand to the sandbox so I can later build a castle out of it." That's all it is. Fuck sentence structure and grammar, those things come later. Editing is everything!! Just get something down. Nick Cave says when he has writer's block he just puts two disparate things in the room together "like a clown and a baby" he said. And then he sees what happens. And when that stops working..."I kill the clown." It's a weird analogy but it speaks to me. The biggest enemy of writing is overthinking when the answer is just writing it. Get okay with the idea of throwing weeks of work out. Get okay with not knowing where your novel is heading. That's the joy of it. Just stretch your legs and let your characters go for a walk. The story will naturally get to places where you'll outline some ideas but you don't need that at first. Plus when the draft is done you now have all the pieces of the puzzle and you start putting it together then. I also find the more I talk about a current writing project the less of it I get done because I feel so accomplished from talking about it so I'm tight lipped until the first draft is done. Anyway these are my thoughts, take all with a grain of salt. It's just what helps me. As for music. Girl, just sing. I've heard that voice for years. Just sing for the sake of singing, write for the sake of writing. We live in a grind your passions down to nothing to make money sort of culture but fuck all that. Just sing. And just write. No agenda, no goals. Just do it and see what follows. We gotta Picasso this shit, no premeditating just create. Wow this was really long lol. Sorry!
Get out of my brain, Jenny.
So much of this resonates with me. As a writer (professionally) and a writer (aspiring), it's a scary feeling when that little indicator starts to hover over E. I wrote a whole post about this (below) and was also inspired by Shauna's routine. The only thing I didn't mention is the stoic mantra that I turn over and over and over in my head during dry spells: the obstacle is the way.
This post, in and of itself, shows you're leaning in and pushing through. Despite the obstacles. Despite the feeling of running on fumes. Despite having to pivot and learn new ways to do the old things. Keep going. There's gold in them hills.
https://laurencibene.substack.com/p/grappling-the-thunderhead