Where I Admit It's Been A Rough One...or Two...or Three...

For those of you who actually pay attention to my life in this corner of the wilderness, you must have noticed that I haven’t been terribly consistent with the Thursday posting schedule.

But I really DO have a good excuse this week.

We got a puppy.

And before you get all moony-eyed on me for a second, I just feel like I have to say this (please don’t hate me).

I have never been a dog person.

Puppies do not make me mushy.

Neither do babies, in all honesty.

I like dogs when they know their boundaries and humans when they’re old enough to talk back.

My darling daughters have been begging for a dog since they could talk. We lived on the second floor of a two-family house for five years, which made it an impossibility. But when we made the move to rural New Jersey, the, “not enough space,” excuse dissipated as quickly as my resolve.

I had terrible post-partum anxiety with both kids. They were awful sleepers and when they finally did sleep for a second, I couldn’t remember what it felt like to close my eyes. My doctor at the time threatened to re-hospitalize me if I didn’t promise to seek therapy and learn how to let go.

I went to therapy.

But I never let go.

This week has been full of joy ( puppies ARE kind of sweet), terror ( she nips constantly and the children that I procured this little fur ball for are 70% terrified of her), triggering trauma (puppies are just like newborns and I just told you how that season went for me) and panic ( did I do enough? Am I being firm enough? Soft enough? Is she ok? Did she just eat a leaf??? Is that fine???? Will my kids connect with her? Am I doing this wrong?????? WHAT DID I DOOOOOO?????)

I have texted my sister over 100 times in the last four days and she has talked me down off the ledge all 100 of them.

So, I will say this: I am still not a dog person.

But I am becoming a Juno person.

I’m pretty sure she likes me, too.

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Things That Nourished Me This Week

• I’ve been making a list of works I’ve wanted to read for a long time, but haven’t. I’m hoping 2023 is the year I get to read:

  Hannah Coulter, by Wendell Berry, The Body is not an Apology, by Sonya Renee Taylor, Padraig O’Tuoma’s newest work of poetry entitled, “Feed the Beast,” and Louise Penny’s Inspector Gamache’s series. I am nearly done with The Beatryce Prophecy by Kate DiCamillo, but we will have to discuss that at another time because….my heart. The author’s I most resonate with are Anne Lamott, Madeline L’Engle, Elizabeth Gilbert and Mary Oliver- but if I could write like anyone, oh God, let it be like Kate DiCamillo.

• I made an Ina Garten-inspired spinach and wild mushroom lasagna this week with a bechamel sauce. Perhaps it tasted extra good because the dog was pooping on the rug while things were burning in the oven and everyone was screaming- but it still came out ok. I can’t find her exact recipe, but this is a close second: https://www.seriouseats.com/food-lab-creamy-cheesy-ultimate-spinach-lasagna-recipe

• A friend dropped in with coffee and let me cry at my own kitchen table about how very overwhelmed I’m feeling at this stage in life and I didn’t so much as ask her how she was doing. Another friend I haven’t seen in person in over a decade asked for my address to send me the Tylenol quick dissolve packs since we’re in a shortage and they’re the only ones my kid will take. Yet another friend reached out to say that something I said this week really resonated with her. Social media is a lot of shit, my friends, but there is so much good if we use it to stay connected to each other in real, human ways.

• I’m in a text thread with a group of badass women. While I didn’t have the bandwidth to engage as much as I normally would have liked, just knowing I have people is an incredible solace. Especially after cleaning up puppy poop on my floor for the third time today.

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Alright, my friends. If you are feeling as I am this week, I hope you get the rest and nourishment required to be a complete human.

May it be so, for all of us.