Choose Brave

Tell Others About It

I started writing down every time the thing I was terrified of didn’t come to fruition. I started on Monday. It is a long list. I imagined all of that energy swirling about, spiraling down a cosmic drain when it could have gone to the next great American novel, or, remembering to exfoliate. Take more Vitamin D. Do Pilates. Do people do pilates anymore?

I have so many questions lately; most of them are linked to the whirling dervish of our brains. Why is it that we have figured out how to bring light inside of inanimate objects but we cannot come up with a cure for the flu? When the last saber-toothed tiger breathed its last- why didn’t our bodies get the memo? How long will our nervous systems search the horizon line for extinct predators? When did we all become working parents without any help on the parent front? When did we start judging each other for the only methods we have to survive? Panicking helps no one. We do it anyway. What do they say about people who do the same thing over and over and expect different results?

Why are we all so fucking anxious all the time? Is it social media? The news? Would I be panicking about the norovirus if I didn’t read the 57 comments on the Moms Facebook page? What are we really doing to ourselves? I doom scroll more than I would ever admit to anyone. I am afraid I will be caught unprepared. But, what am I preparing for? Am I really prepared?

After years of pouring content into platforms because I was told my “following” wasn’t big enough to appeal to publishers… I have nothing to show for it but crippling imposter syndrome and the sinking feeling I just wasted a lot of effort and time. Even that choice- the one to show up as often and publicly as possible- was made out of fear of never being seen as a “real writer”.

The last post I wrote was about the Two Word Affirmations that have gotten me through the last year. If you missed it, here it is:

But there is one I am clinging to more fervently than the rest these days. “Choose Brave”.

Here is an exceptional caveat to be made: it is not always a choice to be made. Sometimes our brain and body chemistry require help in the form of therapy or medication or both to break free. There have been plenty of times in my life where the choice didn’t exist, and I needed an assist. I am not telling you to “boot-strap” your way through. That isn’t the way.

What I AM saying is that I’ve been evaluating the choices I’ve made, and the ones where I had a clear choice and didn’t choose to be brave are the ones I continuously suffer from daily.

I have become a broken record of a series of three questions:

1. In this situation, can I choose to be brave?

2. What does choosing brave look like in this moment? (Outline the steps.)

3. If choosing brave in this moment means asking for help, who do I need to call for an assist? (My doctor, my therapist, my husband, a friend.)

Sometimes, choosing brave means being vulnerable in admitting I bit off more than I could chew. Sometimes it means taking three deep breaths to face a sick child who needs a Mama who is calm and ready to help, rather than rattled and prone to panic. Sometimes it means sending a text to someone who knows and loves me to simply say, “ I am having a hard time today.” Sometimes it means getting in the car and going to the thing I don’t really want to go to but know once I get there I will be glad I did. Sometimes it means good fiction, hot water, herbal tea and an hour or two alone. Sometimes it means deleting the apps on my phone that take my attention. Sometimes it means weighing the advice of others against my own gut, and choosing what is best for me.

I will continue to write down my fears that don’t come true in a black notebook I keep in the corner of my desk. They are quite real and very ridiculous, all at the same time. I will number them to keep track, because data is helpful in the face of irrationality. I will do this because panicking is tiresome, and I am too old to bounce back on a Venti Starbucks and a wing and a prayer.

I have lived the felt effects of NOT choosing brave. It is far scarier than courage.

Is there something you can choose to be brave about today?

Make the appointment.

Take the rest you needed weeks ago.

Ask for a deadline extension.

Put in for a PTO day.

Answer the phone call.

Submit the draft.

Apply for the job.

Enroll in the class.

Ask her out for coffee.

Try again.

And again.

Even If you’ve been rejected, neglected, given advice to the contrary.

Try again.

Choose brave when you can, wherever you can and then tell others about it.