"What has helped you let go of the fear of not being enough?" and all the other questions, too:
Diagnoses and meds.
Seriously. I started years on just supplements (ashwaganda, magnesium, probiotic) prescribed by my wonderful, wise, holistic DO of a shrink; these made a very noticeable dent but never resolved things. Took a few more years to realize I had been living with an ulcer (for, yes, years); got meds to treat that. More meds/supplements to treat chronic pain/nutritional deficiencies elsewhere. Resolved a lot of that, got off some of those meds. Realized I still had brain weasels. And with less physical pain and external reasons to explain them away, it became more and more evident that they were native to my skull. And after three years of therapy, my therapist cocked her head at me and said, "You know, I don't think it's all *just* trauma."
So I finally got tested for autism and ADHD. First one took years to find someone who would test me, but the second one took no time at all. I passed both with flying colors. Turns out perimenopause cranks ADHD up to 11. Also turns out high-riding anxiety and endless fixing/doing was my #1 coping mechanism to mask it. As I had worked to decrease those in my life, guess what? More ADHD symptoms. Which then brought my anxiety back up.
I had spent enough years chasing these particular weasels around this particular mulberry bush. My doctor looked at me and I looked at her and I was ready to try the meds.
It took some sorting through; the side effects from the first few things weren't sustainable, and my anxiety was worsening. So my doc put me on the lowest dose of Buspar. And then--that hustle for my worth that I've carried with me since age 6 or so?
I could finally set it down.
I can still *see* the impulse there. Looking at me. Sort of like a pathetic dog that has had to be put on the porch while I clean up a pillow he's shredded. But I reassure it. "It's ok. You didn't know. I'll still listen when you bark for help, but it's ok if you just chill a bit for now. I got this."
And it wags its tail and lies down. It watches me. But it's content. I can finally rest.
And, before you ask, yes, I still feel entirely myself--and it's easier to feel like myself, in fact, when I'm not set on fire by both everything and nothing.
All that to say... please forgive the peer review. But I can't help seeing the signs through your last few blog posts. If ADHD hasn't been an angle you've explored yet, I can recommend going through the process. At the very least, if it is a factor, it's so, so helpful to know what you're dealing with and dig into self-education. My marriage would have ended, I think, if my husband hadn't gotten diagnosed years ago, and my own diagnosis is only helping. (Took us longer to figure me out; mine presented very differently.) We can work with and figure each other out now. We respect each other better. We love each other better. And, oh man, we love our kids so much better because of course, at least some of them are neurospicy, too, if not all.
I must embarrassingly add that I think last night I very possibly confused you with another substacker I follow who writes on similar topics with a similar vibe. Mea culpa, mea culpa! Like Haley Joel in The Sixth Sense, I see spectrummy people everywhere. So if any of what I wrote resonates, great; if not, toss!
Oh my gosh, firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to comment so thoroughly. I feel so cared for! I love that there’s so many ways to view learners now in a way that’s empowering. I have a beautiful and supportive team who work together to help me find the best ways to navigate my own anxiety/OCD and I am ever so grateful , and acknowledge my privilege to have access to them. Midlife really upsets the apple cart on things we’ve tried to skate by on, right? I’m so glad you found people who listened to you, and helped you discover parts of yourself. I hope we all continue on paths that reveal and uplift- I’m glad we get to do so together.
"What has helped you let go of the fear of not being enough?" and all the other questions, too:
Diagnoses and meds.
Seriously. I started years on just supplements (ashwaganda, magnesium, probiotic) prescribed by my wonderful, wise, holistic DO of a shrink; these made a very noticeable dent but never resolved things. Took a few more years to realize I had been living with an ulcer (for, yes, years); got meds to treat that. More meds/supplements to treat chronic pain/nutritional deficiencies elsewhere. Resolved a lot of that, got off some of those meds. Realized I still had brain weasels. And with less physical pain and external reasons to explain them away, it became more and more evident that they were native to my skull. And after three years of therapy, my therapist cocked her head at me and said, "You know, I don't think it's all *just* trauma."
So I finally got tested for autism and ADHD. First one took years to find someone who would test me, but the second one took no time at all. I passed both with flying colors. Turns out perimenopause cranks ADHD up to 11. Also turns out high-riding anxiety and endless fixing/doing was my #1 coping mechanism to mask it. As I had worked to decrease those in my life, guess what? More ADHD symptoms. Which then brought my anxiety back up.
I had spent enough years chasing these particular weasels around this particular mulberry bush. My doctor looked at me and I looked at her and I was ready to try the meds.
It took some sorting through; the side effects from the first few things weren't sustainable, and my anxiety was worsening. So my doc put me on the lowest dose of Buspar. And then--that hustle for my worth that I've carried with me since age 6 or so?
I could finally set it down.
I can still *see* the impulse there. Looking at me. Sort of like a pathetic dog that has had to be put on the porch while I clean up a pillow he's shredded. But I reassure it. "It's ok. You didn't know. I'll still listen when you bark for help, but it's ok if you just chill a bit for now. I got this."
And it wags its tail and lies down. It watches me. But it's content. I can finally rest.
And, before you ask, yes, I still feel entirely myself--and it's easier to feel like myself, in fact, when I'm not set on fire by both everything and nothing.
All that to say... please forgive the peer review. But I can't help seeing the signs through your last few blog posts. If ADHD hasn't been an angle you've explored yet, I can recommend going through the process. At the very least, if it is a factor, it's so, so helpful to know what you're dealing with and dig into self-education. My marriage would have ended, I think, if my husband hadn't gotten diagnosed years ago, and my own diagnosis is only helping. (Took us longer to figure me out; mine presented very differently.) We can work with and figure each other out now. We respect each other better. We love each other better. And, oh man, we love our kids so much better because of course, at least some of them are neurospicy, too, if not all.
I must embarrassingly add that I think last night I very possibly confused you with another substacker I follow who writes on similar topics with a similar vibe. Mea culpa, mea culpa! Like Haley Joel in The Sixth Sense, I see spectrummy people everywhere. So if any of what I wrote resonates, great; if not, toss!
Oh my gosh, firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to comment so thoroughly. I feel so cared for! I love that there’s so many ways to view learners now in a way that’s empowering. I have a beautiful and supportive team who work together to help me find the best ways to navigate my own anxiety/OCD and I am ever so grateful , and acknowledge my privilege to have access to them. Midlife really upsets the apple cart on things we’ve tried to skate by on, right? I’m so glad you found people who listened to you, and helped you discover parts of yourself. I hope we all continue on paths that reveal and uplift- I’m glad we get to do so together.